
Glass JPSLsXi 
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STULTITIA 




Pholograph hy Ed. AUerman 



STULTITIA 

(Folly) 

From the fresco by Giotto in Cappella degli 

Scrovegni all 'Arena in Padua. 



A 






STULTITIA 

A Nightmare 
and an Awakening 

IN FOUR DISCUSSIONS 

BY 

A FORMER AMERICAN 
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL 




NEW YORK 

FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 



\ b 



Copyright, 1914, by 
Arthur W. Mueller 



All rights reser<ved 



U. S. Soldier's Home LNI9I 
Oct.2e.i93i 



□ 



February, igi^ 






TO MY 

HELPMEET 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

First Discussion 3 

Second Discussion 53 

Third Discussion 89 

Fourth Discussion i35 



CHARACTERS 

General Middleton, the Chief of Staff. 

Miss Middleton, his daughter (aften^'^ards Mrs. 

Drake). 
Captain Harry Hawk. 
Mr. John Drake, of the State Department. 
Senator Dormant. 
Senator Rock. 
Mrs. Rock, his wife. 
Miss Rock, their daughter. 
Senator Hyhead. 

Mr. Shuffler, a Representative in Congress. 
Mrs. Evangeline Tinker. 
Doctor Harmony. 
Mrs. Riley, a charwoman. 
Daniel Riley, her son. 
Mr. Turner, a clerk and friend of Dan's. 
Miss Turner, his sister (afterwards Mrs. Hawk). 
Mr. Hope, a socialist. 
Mr. Stone, a labor leader. 
Mr. Caro, an agitator. 



viii CHARACTERS 

The President. 

The President's Wife. 

Aide-de-Camp to the President. 

An Ambassador. 

A Diplomat. 

Mr. Goldstein, a banker. 

Mr. Barney. 

Mrs. Barney, his wife. 

Mr. Charles Barney, their son. 

Admiral Stevens. 

Mr. Harrison, of the State Department. 

Young Officer. 

Captain Jeffries. 

Clerk in the War Department. 

Messenger, colored. 

Messenger Boy. 

Servant, colored. 



FIRST DISCUSSION 



FIRST DISCUSSION 

It is a large room. Its massive utility and unsym- 
pathetic lines give it a character expressing the 
meeting of middle XlXth Century ugliness with 
modern ^reproof strength. On the walls are 
portraits, some of men in military uniform. 
The furniture is simple and spare. On our left 
of the center stands a great flat desk. It is 
piled with disordered papers and dispatch boxes. 
Behind it is an empty chair. On other tables 
are piles of documents^ manuscripts and books. 
At a smaller desk sits a man of thirty-five, — 
Captain Hawk. He has the clean-cut fea- 
tures and rather high cheek bones and the spare 
figure of a type of simon-pure American, He 
wears a dark grey sack suit and is in his shirt 
sleeves. Opposite him sits a somewhat older 
man of similar type, but now stooped and with 
a look of sadness, care and some bitterness. 
In an adjoining room may be heard the rattle 
of many typewriters. Clerks pass in and out 
with typewritten copy, 
3 



4 STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Hand me the report of our military attache 
at the Paris Embassy — the one describing the 
French conscription system and their territorial 
army. Yes. (Dictating) Take this. *' Quite 
apart from the vast saving of life by preparedness 
for war, the placing of the militia under a uni- 
form discipline and training inculcates a national 
spirit." Another note. " Time not wasted. Men 
taught trades during the period of their military 
service. Boy scout movement. Patriotism. 
Discipline during the most dangerous period of 
youth. Restoration of canteen. Control of dis- 
eases. Exercise and health training." Have you 
put in those figures showing the thousands of lives 
we sacrificed, quite uselessly, in that little scrap 
with Spain, because we were unprepared? 

THE CLERK 

Oh, yes, Sir. That was the third or fourth 
note. The last point is numbered 67. You 
ought to take a nap. Captain. You're all In. 
This day and night rush takes me back to the Span- 
ish War time. The old man used to stand here 
like a rock. Pulled and hauled In every direc- 
tion. Never turned a hair. Calm as a May 



FIRST DISCUSSION 5 

morning. Even swore courteously. Never 
smiled., {He laughs) One day a fat Senator 
blew in from his seashore place to ask whether 
Cervera's fleet was likely to hit him. That Sen- 
ator had voted for no navy, because they didn't 
need one out West where his constituents lived. 
I guess he wanted the General to send up a cor- 
poral's guard to catch the shells and put Cervera 
out at home plate. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

It seems to me you're pretty chipper this April 
morning. This is no Spanish war. It's worse. 
If our Department and the Navy Department and 
the State Department can't beat some sense into 
Congress, their children are going to be made into 
sausage meat by some nation that's not too cocky 
to face facts. That's all there Is about that. I'd 
rather run a Spanish war a year than be responsible 
a week for this bhnd drifting. We've simply got 
to get these estimates through. Oh, please get me 
that memorandum on our foreign relations as bear- 
ing on military and naval policy; the one they dis- 
cussed at the last Cabinet meeting. 

The Clerk leaves the room. 



6 STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

Good Lord! Another week of 25 hour days 
like this, and I see my finish. {He grows 
drowsy) No union hours working for the Amer- 
ican Union. God bless the old show anyhow. 
What damned fools we're getting to be. Lord 
have mercy upon us. 

He goes to sleep with his head on his arm. 
The Clerk enters. He motions to the 
typewriters to cease and tiptoes around the 
room putting out the electric lights. He 
passes into the outer office carefully closing 
the door. The rattle of the typewriters 
grows faint. The room grows quite dark. 

Gradually the dawn lightens the big windows 
through which the silhouette of the Wash- 
ington monument and the green vista of the 
White Lot are seen. The chirping of birds 
is heard. The first shaft of sunlight plays 
on the portraits of Washington and Lincoln 
which hang side by side above two crossed 
swords at one end of the room. Captain 
Hawk sleeps on. A rummaging noise is 
heard in the corridor as the charwomen be- 
gin their scrubbing. The door is opened. 



FIRST DISCUSSION 7 

A broad woman with an apron and a jolly 
face stands with a mop in one hand. She is 
humming an Irish tune quite softly in sweet 
low voice. Captain Hawk moves nerv- 
ously in his sleep and mutters: 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

Poor navy fellows. Worse than us. Sunk like 
rats. Three to one. No chance. Damn that fel- 
low Shuffler. Everything for re-election. Coun- 
try can go to hell. 

He awakes with a start, 

CHARWOMAN 
Lord bless my soul, if it ain't Captain Hawk. 
It's scan'alous you ruinin' yer health like this. 
Three times this week I've met ye goin' out when 
I come in the marnin'. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

It's all right, Mrs. Riley. We've got to work 
for a living the same as you. 

CHARWOMAN 

Aw, go wan. It's not for a livin' yer wurrukin' 
— you with all thim automobiles 'n foine horses. 
Why don't ye enjoy yerself ? 



8 STULTITIA 

Captain Hawk opens a cupboard and gets a 
tea-cup, a thermos bottle and some biscuits 
and drinks a cup of tea, 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Mrs. Riley, do you love your country? 

CHARWOMAN 

Sure, I do. I love America and I love old Ire- 
land. Wan of the two of them's always smilin' 
at me, so I don't have to worry much about either. 
I hold me Government job, wurrukin' three hours 
a morning, an' I run me boardin' house on the 
side. 

Captain Hawk lights a cigarette and paces 
up and down and then stands back to the man- 
telpiece. 

CHARWOMAN 

Besides, I have me bye — 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

{Solemnly) Well, you see I love my coun- 
try, too, only this one is the only one I've got in 
the whole world. So I suppose I like to work for 
it. {Bitterly) A lot of good it seems to do. 



FIRST DISCUSSION g 

CHARWOMAN 
Of course your wurrukin' does good. Yer 
tired. What's they been doln' to ye? When I 
come In ye was swearin' scan'alous. An' what's 
that ye sez about a man named Shuffler? Shuf- 
fler's the name of me Congressman. He keeps 
me in this job because me bye Dan as wurks for 
the contractor In Chicago Is the boss of tin pre- 
cincts. The Honorable Karl Shuffler's molghty 
poHte to me bye Dan. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

I'm glad Mr. Shuffler likes Dan and Is kind to 
Dan's good mother. 

CHARWOMAN 
Aw, you llvin' here In Washington and thinkin' 
It's kindness. Ye ought to have a mother to look 
after ye ! Dan's the finest bye In the ninth ward. 
He controls the election. He's six feet, folne blue 
eyes an' — 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
(Interrupting) You mean to say seriously 
that your son could defeat Mr. Shuffler next No- 
vember? 



10 STULTITIA 

CHARWOMAN 
I do thot — an' I must be doln' up this room. 
She mops about and starts to go. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

What IS your address In Washington? Oh, 
never mind. The Superintendent will have it, of 
course. 

The Charwoman goes out, looking puzzled, 
with a fond gesture toward Captain Hawk, 
who is not looking. Captain Hawk goes to 
the outer office and returns with The Clerk 
hearing typewritten manuscripts. They sit 
down at his desk and sort them into one pile. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

Now get a tape for these and lay them on the 
Chiefs desk. We've made great headway since 
he went home at midnight. All you people must 
go home now and not come back until this after- 
noon. You come at three. Then we'll see what's 
up and we can send for the others If we need them. 

The Clerk goes out through the outer of- 
fice and Captain Hawk goes over and looks 
out the window. The door opens to admit 



FIRST DISCUSSION ii 

a man of ^j, well set up and trim, clad in 
khaki uniform and brown hoots and wearing 
the insignia of a general officer. He is Gen- 
eral Middle ton, the Chief of Staff, With 
him is his daughter, a woman of thirty, 
straight and slender with dark hair and eyes, 
a noble face and simple manner. She is in 
riding clothes and looks merry and exhila- 
rated, 

THE GENERAL 

Well, Hawk, I see you've made a night of it 
again. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

Good morning. Miss Middleton. Good morn- 
ing. General. I've put a tremendous brief on your 
desk. I hope it will be useful in your interviews 
today, and at the hearings tomorrow. When that 
fellow Shuffler — 

MISS MIDDLETON 

Oh, who is this Shuffler man, Harry? My 
father swears at him in his sleep if he even takes 
a nap. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

Oh, he is the chairman of the party caucus. 
He's one of our very most poisonous little " lit- 



12 STULTITIA 

tie Americans." He's for no battleships, no 
army, no diplomacy. A chip on each shoulder 
and both arms in a sling — that's his policy. 

THE GENERAL 
What about our friend Shuffler? He prom- 
ised to come today really to talk things over. 
Might as well talk to a sardine without a can- 
opener. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Well, Mrs. Riley, our charwoman, Is the can- 
opener. Her son Daniel is foreman with a Chi- 
cago firm of contractors and is a political boss. 
He's the guy that can put the shove In Shuffler. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

Harry! You're growing weak minded. Go 
home to bed at once. 

THE GENERAL 
Please send down my civilian clothes as soon 
as you get home. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

Why change ? You look very nice. 



FIRST DISCUSSION 13 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

{Ironically) You forget that we can't wear 
uniform because Congress would see that there 
were a lot of us in town and that military affairs 
were being handled by professionals, who are of 
course prejudiced. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

{To Capt. Hawk) Well, you aren't much 
on dress yourself. Sack coats all winter. Why 
don't you wear flannels and a straw hat, if you 
will be informal, a: hot morning like this? 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
My dear lady. Your ancestors have been here 
as long as mine. No, I beat you by ten years, we 
got here in 1630. And you don't know your 
country a bit. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

But you ought to wear uniform on duty at the 
Department. And the others ought to wear for- 
mal black coats and look like officials in office 
hours. 



14 STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Nonsense, my dear lady. It's undemocratic to 
be properly dressed. Uniforms suggest czars — 
abhorrent to our free institutions. I dassent wear 
a straw hat before the decreed date. One can 
only be picturesque in the name of democracy. 

MISS MIDDLETON 
Like Senator Dormant, who hates the country 
and wears a sombrero, low necked waistcoat and 
evening tie to look like a rural statesman. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Precisely, Madam. That is unstudied simplic- 
ity. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

Goodbye, father, I'm going to send this chat- 
terbox home. 

They go out. The General sits down at his 
desk and plunges into his papers. The cur- 
tain is lowered to indicate the passage of two 
hours and a half. 

The General in a black cutaway coat sits at 
his desk still studying the dossier. The door 



FIRST DISCUSSION 15 

opens and an old colored messenger comes in 
to announce Representative Shuffler. 

THE GENERAL 

Show him In. 

There enters with lordly self-assured air a 
hustling man of medium height and figure, 
badly dressed in citified style, wearing a 
brown sack suit. The expression of his face 
is hard and cynical, with keen eyes. The 
General advances toward the door and 
greets him with rather excessive warmth. 
This Mr. Shuffler receives as a matter of 
course and with slight return, at the same 
time throwing himself into a chair, crossing 
his legs and joining the tips of his fingers, 
with head on one side and assuming a judi- 
cial attitude, 

THE GENERAL 
I cannot tell you how happy I am, Mr. Shuf- 
fler, that you have come in, really to talk over 
these matters of military and naval legislation. 
Of course, I know that you realize as well as I 
do that they are of vital interest to all the men 



i6 STULTITIA 

and women of our country and that upon them 
depends our safety and the safety of our children 
and our children's children. Of course, I know 
that you who are the leaders in Congress feel the 
terrible responsibility of guarding the nation's 
safety, just as keenly as we soldiers do, and just 
as keenly as do the naval and diplomatic branches 
of this Government. 

Mr. Shuffler shifts his leg uneasily y slowly 
nods general acquiescence and assumes a still 
more impressive and thoughtful mien. Then 
briskly taking out his watch: 

MR. SHUFFLER 

It's 9:30, General; at 10 I have a very impor- 
tant appointment to see the President, in relation 
to a matter of grave moment to the interests of 
the party in my State. (Mr. Shuffler unbends 
and leans forward with a more genial expression^ 
tapping The General's knee) Now, you're a 
practical man, General. You know the President 
Is going too far with this business of disregard- 
ing politics in his appointments. Civil Service is 
all very well for high-brow talk, but we've got to 
keep the organization together. (Mr. Shuf- 
fler grows very interested, and walks up and 



FIRST DISCUSSION 17 

down the room) Yes, I've got to see the Presi- 
dent about the appointment of that collector of 
internal revenue in my home town. ( Turning to 
The General and speaking with a gesture and 
expression of derision) Why, do you know, the 
President has nominated for Ambassador that fel- 
low Drake, who works in the State Department. 
He's never done a thing for the party and we can't 
stand for it. 

THE GENERAL 

{Uneasily) I should like nothing better than 
to talk these things over with you, Mr. Shuffler, 
but our time is so short. Will you please tell 
me whether you are going to be able to hold the 
caucus in favor of the battleship program, the 
mihtia reorganization and the ship subsidy to give 
us those army transports? 

A NEGRO MESSENGER 
Senator Dormant and Senator Rock with a 
lady and gentleman with them, sir. 

THE GENERAL 

Excuse me. Do they wish to see me together? 



i8 


STULTITIA 




MESSENGER 


Yes, sir. 





THE GENERAL 

This is too bad, Mr. Shuffler, just as we were 
getting down to this great subject we want to co- 
operate upon. 

MR. SHUFFLER 

Oh, have them in. I know both the Senators 
well. {With an air of pride) We will talk it 
all over together. {Confidentially) You know 
they're both mighty important to you, in the For- 
eign Relations, Naval and Military Affairs Com- 
mittees, — all three. 

THE GENERAL 
Show them in. 

They enter. Senator Dormant is a tall, 
portly man with a courteous manner and a 
benign and guileless face. He wears a long 
dark coat, broad brimmed black felt hat, 
rather low waistcoat and white tie; carries 
a cane and speaks with a slight Southern ac- 
cent. Senator Rock has the air of a self- 



FIRST DISCUSSION 19 

made man, hut a man of the world. He 
exudes an atmosphere of prosperity and well- 
heing. He looks clever and determined. 
The lady is dressed plainly and unfashion- 
ably. She wears gold-rimmed eyeglasses 
tethered to her hack hair hy a fine gold chain 
and black silk gloves and carries a bulging 
bag of twine net. She is of medium height, 
spare, rather sallow, — a woman of fifty. 
The third man is below the middle height, 
and of rotund figure, sleek in address and 
appearance. He has small grey eyes, a rosy 
complexion and wears an obsolete style of 
mutton-chop whiskers. He speaks with a 
New England accent. 
The General advances to meet them, bowing 
ceremoniously to the lady, and shaking hands 
with the Senators. 

SENATOR ROCK 

General, I want you to know Mrs. Evangeline 
Tinker, the well-known leader in the temperance 
movement. Mrs. Tinker is, without doubt, the 
most influential woman in my State and Is one of 
my constituents whom I am most proud to rep- 
resent. {Clearing his throat) Mrs. Tinker Is 



20 STULTITIA 

here in opposition to the movement to restore the 
canteen to the Army. 

The General bows gravely, 

SENATOR DORMANT 
General, I have the honor to present to you 
Doctor Harmony, of the Peace and Arbitration 
Society. Doctor Harmony has given years of 
study to the peace movement in this and other 
countries. He has been presented at many Euro- 
pean courts and has. Indeed, received a personal 
assurance from many of the sovereigns of Europe 
that they are ardently devoted to the cause of peace 
and hope for disarmament at the first opportune 
moment. 

Doctor Harmony ruhs his hands, swells up 
a little and with a sweet smile of confidence 
in pleading a righteous cause ^ says: 

DR. HARMONY 

Yes, General, I am a proud and patriotic Amer- 
ican. I like to see America take the lead and I 
want to have the United States, and particularly 
the present administration, bring to our beloved 
country that highest of possible honors, the honor 



FIRST DISCUSSION 21 

of taking the initiative in the great movement of 
international disarmament. 

Captain Hawk enters and quietly seats him- 
self at his desk, exchanging the barest nod 
with The General. 



MR. SHUFFLER 

The Doctor here has eloquently expressed a 
feeling which I have felt obliged me to oppose 
any excessive naval or military increases at the 
present juncture. Our people are complaining of 
the high cost of living. The opposition party has 
raised the cry of economy in government. We 
must — 

SENATOR DORMANT 
{In a rather oratorical tone) The wise fathers 
who framed the Constitution, which is the pal- 
ladium of our liberties, and who saw with such 
unerring vision the future course marked out for 
this their country, never intended that we should 
fall the victims of militarism. Now General 
Washington especially warns us — 



22 STULTITIA 

THE GENERAL 

I know, Senator, General Washington thought 
we should avoid entangling alliances. That Is 
very true, no doubt, but we must not get Into the 
position of the defenseless little boy with all the 
bullies leagued against him. I revere the wisdom 
of the founders of the Republic. They were too 
wise to dogmatize as to the manner of dealing 
with the new situations of the distant future. 
They looked at the facts as they were then. We 
only ask you to look at the facts as they are now. 
We beg you to consider those facts and answer 
our arguments, if you can, with reason. But don't 
try to kill scientifically prepared plans for the na- 
tional defense by quoting a dogma uttered by 
Washington or Jefferson when obviously thinking 
of a quite different situation. 

SENATOR DORMANT 

Well, well, the United States has plenty of busi- 
ness to attend to at home. I don't believe in this 
new diplomacy and interference with these little 
South American republics. I don't believe in our 
mixing in about their custom houses, and debts, 
and loans. Let 'em eat one another up if they 
want to and good riddance. We've got troubles 



FIRST DISCUSSION 23 

enough of our own. I agree with the Doctor 
here. I'm for arbitration. 



SENATOR ROCK 

Senator, we are detaining Mrs. Tinker, so if 
you will allow me, I will now ask her to state to 
General Middleton her position on this canteen 
question {clearing his throat) one in which I take 
a peculiar interest. 

MRS. TINKER 

Well, General, if you and the Secretary of War 
persist in pressing to restore to the army the in- 
iquitous institution of the canteen, we propose to 
start such an agitation in every State in this Union, 
through the press and from the pulpit, that the 
President will have to get a Secretary of War and 
a Chief of Staff who will not cater to the liquor 
interests and debauch the youth of the country 
with the demon rum through the vile institution 
of the canteen. 

THE GENERAL 
{Coloring f hut speaking with disarming cour- 
tesy) But, my dear Madam, allow me — 



24 STULTITIA 

MRS. TINKER 
Our Association has organizations in every 
State of the Union and is affiliated with all those 
who fight in the great army of purity and temper- 
ance. We are going to — 

THE GENERAL 

My dear Mrs. Tinker, I should have been most 
happy to discuss this subject with you with the ut- 
most frankness, but I see that you are already 
convinced. I suppose you are aware that the 
liquor Interests In your State are also opposing the 
restoration of the canteen. The whisky dealers 
evidently think they can sell more bad whisky 
in the low dives which infest the neighborhoods 
just outside our military posts. We cannot con- 
trol those dives. They are having a ruinous ef- 
fect upon the health and morals of the soldiers. 
We want the canteen precisely because we believe 
in temperance — In health. However, you must 
have considered all this before taking the responsi- 
bility of opposing the canteen. 

MRS. TINKER 

{To Senator Rock) I am sorry, very sorry, 
Senator, to find General Middleton against us. 



FIRST DISCUSSION 25 

Having made my position plain, it remains to me 
only to leave with him this copy of a petition 
bearing 10,000 names. {She rises and fishes it 
out of the net hag) I bid you good day, General 
Middleton, 

SENATOR ROCK 

Shall I accompany you, Mrs. Tinker? 

MRS. TINKER 

No, thank you. Senator; but I would like you 
to take me to see the President tomorrow. 

SENATOR ROCK 
{Bowing) Always at your service. You have 
only to telephone when you would like me to make 
the appointment. 

Mrs. Tinker goes out, 

THE GENERAL 

{To Senator Rock, with a quizzical expres- 
sion) I thought I wouldn't mention to Mrs. 
Tinker the letter you sent me from that distilling 
company in your State, sharing, for different rea- 
sons, her opposition to the canteen. I thought 
there was a possibility that Mrs. Tinker might 



26 STULTITIA 

misunderstand {slight pause) although, of course, 
I quite appreciate the impartiality with which you 
have to represent all interests. 

SENATOR ROCK 
Oh, yes, of course, of course. You did quite 
right, General. Sometimes women do not under- 
stand these matters. 

THE GENERAL 

Gentlemen, it is a great privilege to me to have 
this opportunity to discuss with you a matter of 
such vital interest to the whole American people 
as the protection of this country in its position 
among nations. {To Dr. Harmony) Dr. 
Harmony, if it interests you, I should be happy 
if you would remain, because we want all reason- 
able advocates of peace and arbitration to be on 
our side. We all want peace, you know, but we 
want to be able to fight for it, if necessary. 

DR. HARMONY 

I shall feel honored to be permitted to remain. 

The Colored Messenger announces Sen- 
ator Hyhead. The other three politicians 
sigh as he is announced. 



FIRST DISCUSSION 27 

THE GENERAL 

Shall I have the Senator shown in? 

SENATOR ROCK 

You might as well. Then you will have all 
parties represented. 

Senator Hyhead enters with a solemn expres- 
sion and the haltingly aggressive manner of 
a man ill at ease. He is a gaunt man, re- 
sembling a certain type of country school- 
teacher. He is very thin, with a narrow 
careworn face and fanatical eyes behind spec- 
tacles. His dress is shabby and his manner 
very intense. The General rises to greet 
him and offers him a chair. All shake hands, 
but without warmth, 

senator hyhead 
I am afraid I am interrupting, gentlemen. 

THE GENERAL 

Not at all, Senator, what can I do for you this 
morning? 

SENATOR HYHEAD 

I wanted to ask you to give instructions to have 
the band play at Fort Jones next Saturday at a 



28 STULTITIA 

meeting of the Jonesville Political Economy Club, 
at which I am to deliver an address. There is a 
great popular movement out there, and I trust 
you will not hesitate to help us out. 

THE GENERAL 

May I inquire the object of the meeting? 

SENATOR HYHEAD 
Oh, Fm to speak on direct government, the re- 
call of judicial decisions; in fact, the great expres- 
sive movement. 

THE GENERAL 
I'll do my best for you. Senator, though I con- 
fess I am a little afraid some of our bureaucrats 
may cite our rule forbidding the army to take 
part, one way or another. In political questions. 
I'll let you know by telephone. Senator. 

Senator Hyhead starts to rise, 

THE GENERAL 
Won't you remain? We are just discussing 
the subject of preserving the national honor and 
safety by adequate military and naval legislation 
at the present session of Congress. 



FIRST DISCUSSION 29 

SENATOR HYHEAD 
{Looking at his watch) I am very busy, draft- 
ing a bill for the protection of water fowl, but I 
think I can spare a few minutes. 

THE GENERAL 

Captain Hawk, please ask the Chief of the Po- 
litical Bureau in the State Department and the 
Chief of the Bureau of Naval Intelligence of the 
Navy Department to come around here right 
away. I'd like them to be able to answer any 
questions in their line which might come up. 

Captain Hawk telephones. 

SENATOR ROCK 

While we are waiting, General, I want you to 
make a note of young Charles Barney. You 
know, the son of the great department store man. 
He is a nice boy, but since he squeezed through 
college he has given his father some trouble, and 
now he wants to go into the army. His father 
wants to take advantage of this disposition to do 
something serious and I want to know whether we 
can't get the young man a commission as lieu- 
tenant, or something. 



30 STULTITIA 

SENATOR DORMANT 

There's another thing that I think Senator Rock 
is interested in, just as I am. What's all this 
talk about abolishing military posts and concen- 
tration in big garrisons? 

SENATOR ROCK 

Yes, we can't stand for that. Why, do you 
know, General, there are four towns in my State 
where the prosperity of seven or eight thousand 
people depends upon the maintenance of those 
military posts ? 

THE GENERAL 
You see. Senator, it's a very wasteful and ex- 
pensive system. Concentrated garrisons are 
necessary to military efficiency and the training 
of large units. We think it's our duty — 

SENATOR ROCK 

{Coloring slightly) I can't help that. Our 
constituents won't stand for it and Senator Dor- 
mant and I have arranged to kill that bill. 

The Colored Messenger announces Mr. 
Drake and Admiral Stevens. Mr. 



FIRST DISCUSSION 31 

Drake is a man above 40^ with black hair 
and blue eyes, rather pale, slim, but strongly 
built, wearing a black cutaway coat. He has 
a very earnest and grave address, relieved by 
a pleasant urbanity. Admiral Stevens has 
the complexion of the quarter deck, but the 
manner of the office. Bowing slightly to The 
General and others present, he walks rap- 
idly across the room, carrying a large port- 
folio, and seats himself at one side of The 
General's desk, while Mr. Drake, also 
carrying a portfolio, shakes hands with The 
General and is introduced to the others, 
after which he seats himself between The 
General's desk and that of Captain 
Hawk, upon whom he bestows a slow and 
sorrowful wink, 

senator dormant 
{Nodding patronizingly in the direction of Mr. 
Drake) Young man, I may say to you that I 
disapprove of the policy of the State Department. 
You keep mixing us up with these South American 
republics. You're fooling around over in Li- 
beria ; you're mixed up with these Chinese loans — 



32 STULTITIA 

SENATOR HYHEAD 
{Speaking with a didactic precision) Yes, 
there are many people in the West who strongly 
deprecate the disposition of the State Department 
to involve the United States with foreign coun- 
tries, In order to enable Wall Street to loan them 
money at great profit. 

SENATOR DORMANT 
Why, John Hay just proclaimed the " open 
door " In China. He didn't mix us up In a lot 
of trouble. We used to have friendly relations 
with Latin-America without having to " run to 
the fire " every time they had a revolution. 

THE GENERAL 
You know, Mr. Drake, Senator Dormant 
doesn't believe In maintaining the Monroe Doc- 
trine. 

SENATOR DORMANT 
{Jumps and leans forward in wide-eyed amaze- 
ment) What's that, you say ! Don't believe In the 
Monroe Doctrine ! {Rising, stepping forward in 
evident emotion and raising his cane he says with 
passion) I tell you, sir, I believe in maintaining 



FIRST DISCUSSION 33 

and enforcing the Monroe Doctrine up to the 
hilt. 

He brings his stick down on the floor with a 
bang. 

THE GENERAL 
{Very quietly) I am glad I misunderstood 
you, Senator. 

MR. DRAKE 
{Drily) I know. The Senator Is one of those 
statesmen who believe in maintaining the Monroe 
Doctrine, but who won't help us safeguard it. 
The Senator objects to our taking measures now 
to help Central America keep out of trouble. 
He's willing to let things slide In order that we 
may get into as much trouble as possible later on. 
Why, Senator, the Monroe Doctrine gives us a 
sphere of Influence and of more or less responsi- 
bility all the way from the Mexican border to Cape 
Horn. 

THE GENERAL 
{Evidently with the object of making the con- 
versation more amicable) Oh, I forgot to Intro- 
duce you all. Admiral Stevens, do you know Sen- 



34 STULTITIA 

ator Rock? {They shake hands) Doctor Har- 
mony, Admiral Stevens. 

Doctor Harmony steps forward to extend his 
hand. The Admiral hows rather stiffly. 

ADMIRAL STEVENS 

I know your work very well, Doctor Harmony. 
It's pretty hard for us to buck the peace trust with 
your hundred million dollar endowment. Mr. 
Shuffler and Senator Rock here, are on your coun- 
cil, aren't they? 

DR. HARMONY 

Yes; this great movement has enlisted their 
valuable support. 

ADMIRAL STEVENS 

That's all very well. You enjoy the dreams. 
We face the music. I don't think a referendum 
would show the American people ready to turn 
the other cheek. We're trustees of their honor 
and it's no fun. Why no other country ever had 
such a sphere of responsibility. The navy has to 
maintain it. The leading European Powers are 
building battleships three times as fast as we are. 



FIRST DISCUSSION 35 

MR. DRAKE 

The Senator swears by the Monroe Doctrine, 
but rejects all that logically goes with it. A Carib- 
bean republic runs into debt with Europe and 
won't listen to reason. We won't let Europe 
seize a port and force payment. Oh, no, Mon- 
roe Doctrine ! American diplomacy gets some 
patriotic American bankers to hazard the money 
to wipe out the European debt and put the repub- 
lic on its feet. Then Senator Hyhead announces 
that we sold out to Wall Street and Senator Dor- 
mant says in the Senate that we must avoid en- 
tangling alliances! Do you really think the 
United States of America can become seriously 
entangled with a little banana repubhc? And, if 
American diplomacy needs money In the nation's 
business, I ask you, ought we to apply to a black- 
smith or to a banker? 

ADMIRAL STEVENS 

{In a gruff voice) Some day, one of our Euro- 
pean friends will get tired of this and sail In and 
seize a port. 

MR. DRAKE 

Then Senator Dormant will ask us to enforce 
the Monroe Doctrine up to the hilt. 



36 STULTITIA 

ADMIRAL STEVENS 

And the American people will have the pleasure 
of seeing our little fleet of battleships sunk by 
a superior force. The Monroe Doctrine will die 
hard and the bones of the Navy will be its monu- 
ment. 

MR. SHUFFLER 

( To Mr. Drake) You seem to be pretty free 
with your opinions, young man, in the presence 
of distinguished Senators. This won't increase 
your chances for confirmation for that embassy. 
You never did anything for the party anyway. 



MR. DRAKE ' 

That's all right, Mr. Shuffler. You work for 
the party and I'll work for the country. I don't 
care if I'm never confirmed for anything again. 
It's about time somebody should talk out loud to 
you if you won't listen to reason. We give our 
minds and hearts and souls to special branches of 
the public interest and might be supposed to know 
something about them. Do you heed us? Oh, 
no. We're prejudiced. It's beneath the dignity 
of the Legislative to listen to the experts of the 



FIRST DISCUSSION 37 

Executive. I'm going out to try to explain a few 
things to my fellow citizens. 

THE GENERAL 

Mr. Drake, these gentlemen have come here to 
discuss these matters in a broad way. I know 
they will excuse your over-zeal as only reflecting 
the strength of your convictions. We are all 
working for the Interest of the nation and we can 
have no serious disagreement. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
General, wouldn't you like Mr. Drake to bring 
out some of the points in that political memoran- 
dum? 

THE GENERAL 

Yes. Senators, I will ask Mr. Drake, merely 
as a matter of interest, to speak a little further 
about the Monroe Doctrine, 

MR. DRAKE 
The Monroe Doctrine is most likely to be chal- 
lenged in the neighborhood of the Panama Canal 
and the Zone of the Caribbean. In that neigh- 
borhood the repubhcs need our help to give them 



38 STULTITIA 

financial and political stability; to give them edu- 
cation; and to protect their people when murder- 
ous grafters try to become dictators. You know 
the Kilkenny cat row we've been dealing with just 
over the border for the last couple of years or 
more. Well, now, south of Panama, which Is a 
virtual protectorate like Cuba and Santo Domingo, 
we have quite a different lot of countries. Brazil, 
Argentina, Chile, and perhaps others have pretty 
well got to be first class countries. Some of the 
other republics are backward. The United States 
has no designs against any of them. All the time, 
in season and out of season, whatever we do is 
deliberately misunderstood. The Monroe Doc- 
trine, which they should worship on their knees, 
IS resented. American motives and the " Yankee 
Peril " are constantly exploited In their politics. 
This Is getting very tiresome. We can't get away 
from the Monroe Doctrine in Its greatest intensity 
from here to Panama inclusive. We can't stand 
perpetual turmoil north of there. Fm beginning 
to think we ought to consider giving up the Mon- 
roe Doctrine from Panama south and frankly de- 
claring a virtual protectorate from here to Pan- 
ama, including the republics of the Caribbean. 



FIRST DISCUSSION 39 

SENATOR DORMANT 

{Hotly) Give up nothing. Why, weVe on 
friendly terms with all the world. Pshaw ! No- 
body would dare to challenge the Monroe Doc- 
trine. Besides, this arbitration movement — 

MR. DRAKE 
{Obviously trying to be affable and with a hope- 
less little laugh) There you go again, Senator. 
To challenge the Monroe Doctrine seriously 
would be a political act. Nobody — not even 
Doctor Harmony — has ever dreamed of arbi- 
trating a political act. If I injure you by breaking 
a contract, you can sue me; but if I steal your 
horse, there you are. I have the horse, — there's 
no use arbitrating whether I had the right to steal 
it or not. I had the power. IVe got the horse. 
That's all there is about it. But to go back to 
the Monroe Doctrine, if we forever hold an um- 
brella over all the twenty other American repub- 
lics they never will know enough to come in out 
of the rain ! What good does it do us ? If some 
vigorous nation made them colonies, they'd be a 
better market for us than they are now. They'd 
have somebody else to hate and fear. They'd 
love and appreciate us then, — when it was too 



40 STULTITIA 

late. Somebody else could walk the floor with 
them. If we've bitten off more than we can chew 
— or if the Monroe Doctrine is out of date — 
why let's admit it ! 

ADMIRAL STEVENS 
{In rather a gru^ and grumbling tone) How 
many foreign ships do you expect us to stand off, 
Senator, with the sample line of battleships 
you've given us? And who's going to help us 
out? That's what I'd like to know. 

SENATOR ROCK 
Speaking of battleships, we're going to have 
smaller ones. These dreadnoughts don't fit half 
our navyyards. Why, lots of our constituents are 
kicking because no money comes to their locaHties 
any more. The new ships are only sent to the 
three or four big yards. Now the prosperity of 
a dozen towns depends on getting this work.* 

* Footnote : For the fact that this attitude was actually 
taken, incredible as it may seem, we have the authority of the 
ex-Secretary of War, the Honorable Henry L. Stimson (see 
Harper's Weekly, June 21, 1913). 



FIRST DISCUSSION 41 

ADMIRAL STEVENS 

But we've got to have big ships. We can't be 
responsible — 

SENATOR ROCK 

Nonsense. You'll take little ones or none at 
all. Why my constituents — 

MR. DRAKE 
Let's get back to peaceful diplomacy. You see, 
Admiral, as Senator Dormant says, Washington 
said that we must have no entangling aUiances. 
Now we are a world power — 

ADMIRAL STEVENS 

Yes, from the moment we announced the Mon- 
roe Doctrine, from the moment we acquired the 
Hawaiian Islands or an inch of outlying territory, 
it was a case of a big navy — and big ships — or 
a bad thrashing. 

MR. DRAKE 
We've long been in for all the responsibilities. 
Congress won't even give us a trained diplomatic 
service to keep us out of trouble. We are given 



42 STULTITIA 

no adequate navy and the State Department's told, 
" No, you can't make any alliances; Washington 
said so." If it comes to trouble we want to be 
licked; we won't be strong ourselves and we don't 
want a powerful friend to help us out. 

SENATOR HYHEAD 
These are very fine theories, gentlemen, but you 
bureaucrats are too far removed from the pulse 
of the plain people. Now in my part of the coun- 
try, a thousand miles from the sea coast, why 
they'd laugh at me. Besides, it's preposterous. 
It's all theory. (Rising and looking at his watch) 
Well, I've got to go back to work. Senators, I 
hope I can count on your support for that bill of 
mine for the protection of waterfowl. It will be 
up in a few days. 

He hows toward The General and starts 
toward the door with a very grave manner. 
The others rise. 

SENATOR ROCK 
Admiral, of course you want more battleships. 
Every fellow's stuck on his own business. Why, 
if we listened to these departments — 



FIRST DISCUSSION 43 

MR. DRAKE 

Doctor Harmony, I want to ask your help with 
these gentlemen. You have more Influence than 
we have. Now as a peace proposition, we want 
to bring the countries just south of us Into the cur- 
rent of the great economic forces — to show them 
that peace and order, not fighting, will bring them 
happiness and prosperity. Now isn't this the only 
real peace " dope "? Aren't all your peace con- 
ferences and love feasts a hollow sham? We 
work through commerce and finance for the in- 
ward grace of intelligent self-interest in peace. 
This is the modern diplomacy, following social and 
economic laws. Some newspapers tried to kill it 
by calHng it, " Dollar Diplomacy." You work for 
the outward sign. If you help us now, your work 
may mean something some day. And if we have 
to go in and establish order In some country? 
Well, we go to establish peace and order and jus- 
tice — to make the people of that country co- 
operate with the rest of the world. A long job? 
Yes, perhaps. But then these people will find 
after a while that they rather like peace. Be- 
sides, If we don't want to put them all to school 
at once, we can begin with part; or we can bottle 
them up and starve them out until they've paid for 



44 STULTITIA 

their folly and are ready to be good. There are 
many ways. But can't you see that that would 
be a work of peace, too? A fight, yes; but a 
fight for peace. And if we do have to send our 
army into some country, God grant some fool 
won't get up and promise we'll get out again I 
We've got to do our present duty. We can see 
and do our future duty when the time comes. By 
talking sentiment and disarmament now you're 
simply shutting your eyes and courting disaster. 

DR. HARMONY 

(Rather red and impatient) My dear Sir, I 
make allowance for your professional zeal. That 
is the trouble with trained diplomatists. I have 
been at the great Hague Conferences. I have felt 
the throb of the world's heart beating more and 
more for love and peace. I know that the time 
is ripe; that the day of force is gone; that the 
dawn of peace is here. Now if we begin by dis- 
armament and take all our questions to The 
Hague — 

MR. DRAKE 
The Hague? Bosh! Why, America would 
be a lamb among wolves at The Hague. Besides, 



FIRST DISCUSSION 45 

Doctor Harmony, you know and / know that con- 
quest in Itself profits nothing, that profit comes 
by work and not by force and theft; but what does 
our opinion really matter? The millions of the 
nations of the world must believe what we believe. 
Then we can begin to think of security without 
armament. 

MR. SHUFFLER 

{Pompously) I agree with Doctor Harmony. 
I should be unable to justify to my constituents 
any extravagant appropriations to increase taxes 
and build a lot of battleships that will never have 
to fight. The high cost of living — 

MR. DRAKE 

But, my dear Mr. Shuffler, America's the only 
country that can afford ample armament without 
feeling it. Why In Heaven's name should we be 
the one to take the risk of experimenting with dis- 
armament? Europe has the age-long habit of ag- 
gression and intrigue and land hunger. Europe's 
made this bed. Let Europe lie upon It! It's 
Europe that's howling from the pinch of military 
expenditure. Let Europe howl and sweat until 
the European tax payer solves his problem. But 
don't let us, who waste our money In every direc- 



46 STULTITIA 

tion, be the ones to tempt fate, to wander around 
unarmed in a den of thieves. Why, it's madness ! 
Mr. Shuffler yawns. The Senators look 
bored and glance at their watches, 

SENATOR ROCK 

Oh, the country doesn't take any stock in all 
this moonshine. Well, I'll have to be going. 
General, be sure and return those two companies 
to Perryville soon. Business is getting pretty 
slack out there without the soldiers' pay-day. 

All rise, 

THE GENERAL 
Well, gentlemen, I'm sorry to find you not yet 
convinced that the country's safety requires the 
passage of the President's measures of national 
defense. However, we will all take a broad view, 
and I am sure, at the Committee hearing, with 
the data I shall have the honor to send you, we 
shall arrive at some common ground. 

They all say '' Good morning '' and leave. 
The General, Hav^k, Drake and the Ad- 
miral stand and look at each other with the 
most hopeless expression and then hurst out 
laughing. 



FIRST DISCUSSION 47 

THE GENERAL 
You might as well attack the great wall of 
China with a bean blower as talk to those men. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

And these are the leaders. 

MR. DRAKE 

" So this is the Forest of Arden ! '' 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

Yes, and home would be a better place, If the 
people only really knew. {More cheerfully) 
General, won't you and Drake lunch with me at 
the Club? Admiral, won't you come? After 
Mrs. Evangeline Tinker and Doctor Harmony, 
I feel like getting drunk and having a fight. {He 
brings down his fist in the palm of his hand) And 
how I would like to enforce something up to the 
hilt in the portly form of Senator Dormant! 
( Turning to The General) You know, I be- 
lieve he's going to turn down the loan convention 
to clean up Colonia, and the Panama railroad, too. 

ADMIRAL STEVENS 

Doctor Harmony and the Peace Trust are 
against us. Think of the harm that old man does 



48 STULTITIA 

with his money! You know they distributed a 
hundred and fifty thousand copies of that tory lit- 
tle-navy speech made in the Senate last week. 
With their publications and their pensions, there's 
a trust for you — a great hobby trust — the worst 
and most dangerous of all. 

MR. DRAKE 
What an argument for the progressive income 
tax that man is. Why even a government could 
spend money more usefully than he does. 

The Colored Messenger enters, 

MESSENGER 

Mrs. Riley's here, sir. 

THE GENERAL 

Mrs. Riley? What's that? 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

It's our char-lady. You'll see. Bring her in. 

Mrs. Riley is brought in. She wears a street 
dress and a bonnet and looks very surprised. 



FIRST DISCUSSION 49 

MRS. RILEY 

Good day to you, General. Good day to you, 
Captain. {To Drake) Good day to you, sir, 
and what Is It you want with me ? 

Hawk draws from his pocket a telegraph blank, 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

What's the address of your son In Chicago, 
Mrs. Riley? 

MRS. RILEY 

Daniel Riley, care of the United Contracting 
Company, 74 Green Street. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
{Writes it on the blank and then reads) " Mr. 
Daniel Riley, etc. Have private Information 
Shuffler obstructing national defense bills neces- 
sary safety America. My best friends here tell 
me. Please, Dan, make Shuffler support them 
right away. Also can't you come down to Wash- 
ington, darling, to see your old mother next Sun- 
day. I'm getting old and want to see you. Your 
loving mother." (Mrs. Riley listens in amaze- 
ment) Now, Mrs. Riley, If that draft suits you, 
will you please just sit down at my desk and sign 



50 STULTITIA 

it? It's your telegram, you know. / will guarantee 
you're right about the first part, and I guess I'm 
right about your wanting to see Dan. 

Mrs. Riley hustles over to the desk, with a 
broad grin, and seats herself to sign the tele- 
gram. 

Curtain 



SECOND DISCUSSION 



SECOND DISCUSSION 

One week has elapsed since First Discussion. 

It is a rather dingy room in Mrs. Maggie Riley^s 
hoarding house in Washington, There are 
cheap lace curtains and mournful brown rep 
curtains with lambrequins^ hanging in wooden- 
like folds, at the four windows. On the floor 
is a nondescript yellowish-brown carpet. The 
walls are drab, A handsome mantelpiece with 
a dingy gilded mirror above it recalls the times 
when the neighborhood was fashionable. In 
the left hand back corner stands an iron heating- 
stove on which is a kettle, the stovepipe pass- 
ing along the ceiling and into the chimney flue. 
There are a cheap engraving of Washington 
and a garish chromo lithograph of one of Mu- 
rillo's Virgins. On the mantelpiece are an or- 
namental clock that does not go and an alarm 
clock that does, and two vases holding peacocks* 
feathers. Upon a dresser between two windows 
at the left end of the room stand objects in white 



54 STULTITIA 

metal and red glass containing spoons; also a 
very formidable cruet-stand, A square table 
against the wall at the opposite end is covered 
by an elaborate knitted table-cloth with tassels 
on it. Upon it stands a large glass globe, pro- 
tecting from all but view an intricate wax de- 
sign of highly colored fruits and flowers. The 
evening paper lies beside it. There are, also, 
glasses containing matches and toothpicks. 
There is a long dinner table around which stand 
a dozen straight chairs of the walnut period. 
Mrs. Riley, neat and smiling in a black and 
white gingham dress, is adjusting upon the table 
a red and grey figured table-cloth of cotton with 
fringe. Daniel Riley leans with one elbow 
on the mantelpiece smoking a pipe and fondly 
watching his mother at her work. He is a fine 
upstanding young man with jolly blue eyes and 
black hair; a fine type of young Irish-American. 
He is neat, shining in a black sack suit. At the 
other end of the mantelpiece stands Mr. Stone, 
a labor leader, with his hands in his pockets. 
He is a portly man with hair turning grey, a 
heavy moustache, a strong jaw, steely eyes, and 
a determined all-sufficient hearing. Standing 
near and regarding him narrowly is Mr. Hope, 



SECOND DISCUSSION 55 

a socialist. He is a man of forty-five. His 
complexion is sallow and his figure stooped. He 
is shabbily dressed, has a nervous eager manner 
and his hair wants cutting. At the other side 
of the room, engaged in stroking Mrs. Riley's 
cat, is a short and stout man pretty well con- 
fined in a frock coat, and with a very low collar 
and flowing tie of soft material. He has a 
thick neck and bullet head with abundant curly 
black hair, large and handsojue dark eyes, a 
strong nose and large and sensuous mouth. The 
mobility of his face is remarkable and his man- 
ner a combination of ceremony and extreme 
geniality. This is Mr. Caro^ a foreign-born 
agitator. It is eight o^clock. The doorbell 
rings. Mrs. Riley bustles out to answer it. 

DAN 

(To Mr. Caro) That cat purrs like a poli- 
tician before election. 

Mr. Caro smiles charmingly and continues to 
stroke the cat. 

MR. HOPE 
(7^0 Mr. Stone^ continuing their conversation) 
The Socialist party polled 684,000 votes last 



5'6 STULTITIA 

November. How soon are you labor men going 
to see the light and come along with us? 

MR. STONE 

The trouble with you Socialists is, you're all 
purr. Now, we know what's good for us. We're 
not in politics. We play both ends against the 
middle and make all parties deliver some of the 
goods all of the time. 

Mr. Caro looks up with interest, his smile gone, 
and appears about to speak. 

MR. HOPE 
Well, the capitalists do exactly the same thing. 
You find them distributed in all parties and voting 
always for the interests of capital. 

DAN 
Why, Mr. Hope, there're several high-brow 
millionaires in your Socialist party. What's their 
game? 

MR. HOPE 
{Fervently) They've seen the vision of a per- 
fect future. {To Stone) Now if you labor 
men would come over to us, things would move 
faster. 



SECOND DISCUSSION 57 

Just then Mrs. Riley returns, looking de- 
lighted, 

MRS. RILEY 

Dan, here's friends of yours from Chicago. 

There enters a young man wearing a very old 
dress suit, black waistcoat and tie. This is 
Mr. Turner, a clerk in the office of the 
United Contracting Company, With him 
enters his sister, a slight and distinguished 
looking woman of under thirty with grey eyes, 
a fine forehead, fair hair and well chiseled 
chin and mouth. She wears a simple pale 
blue silk dress, slightly open at the throat. 
They advance in the most unaffected man- 
ner. Daniel Riley springs forward to 
greet them. 

DAN 
How are you, Mr. Turner? Haven't seen you 
since the train. I'm holding my party together 
you see. {Waving to the others, who all nod 
familiarly) Good evening, Miss Turner. I 
want to make you both acquainted with my mother. 



58 STULTITIA 

MISS TURNER 

{To Mrs. Riley, shaking hands) I am aw- 
fully glad to meet you, Mrs. Riley. My 
brother's told me so much about you from Dan. 
We all came on the same train from Chicago, you 
know. I'm awfully excited. I am going to the 
White House to a big party tonight. 

The sound of a hand-organ in the street grows 
nearer through the open windows and the tune 
turns out to he '^ The Wearing of the GreenJ^ 

MRS. RILEY 
Ye must stay here awhile, my dears, because 
it's me that's givin' a big party meself tonight. 
Me two pets in the Departments is comin'. Cap- 
tain Hawk and Mr. Drake, and they asked me if 
they couldn't bring some lady friends along. I 
want Dan to meet thim. (Rapturously) They're 
grand byes. I don't know what we'd do in the 
Government without 'em. I must be fixin' the 
tea in case they come. 

Mrs. Riley begins to arrange her tea things 
at one end of the table. The hand-organ has 
now grown loud, still playing, '^ The Wear- 
ing of the Green^ Dan grasps his mother 



SECOND DISCUSSION 59 

around the waist and begins to dance her up 
and down furiously while the others clap. 
Just then the door opens and in walk Cap- 
tain Hawk and Mr. Drake, with two 
ladies in evening dress and wraps. Miss 
MiDDLETON we know. The other lady is of 
a more developed figure with the beauty of 
youth, promising, however, a certain coarse- 
ness. Her eyebrows are raised and her man- 
ner is faintly supercilious. Behind follows 
Mr. Charles Barney, a very fashionably 
dressed and rather vapid looking young man 
who seems anxious to help MiSS MiDDLETON 
with her wraps. 

Mrs. Riley bustles hospitably to take the 
ladies* wraps. Captain Hawk and Mr. 
Drake take these from her, pile all the wraps 
on the table by the door and each retains one 
of Mrs. Riley's hands and bows '' Good 
evening.'* 

captain hawk 
It was very good of you to let us come and to 
let us bring these young ladles. 



6o STULTITIA 

MR. DRAKE 
WeVe making a night of it. We're going to 
the White House later on. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

Mrs. Riley, this is Miss Middleton, daughter 
of our friend the Chief of Staff, and this is Miss 
Rock, Senator Rock's daughter. This is Mr. 
Barney. We had to bring it along or it would not 
let Miss Middleton come. 

Mr. Barney looks foolish and Miss Middle- 
ton looks bored. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

{Continuing) • Now we want to meet that won- 
derful son of yours. 

Daniel Riley walks forward with an easy 
manner and introduces himself. 

DAN 

Now I want to make you acquainted with Mr. 
Turner and Miss Turner, his sister. We work in 
the same place. He drives a pen and I boss a 
gang, — preferring out-of-door life. 

They shake hands, Mr. Turner somewhat 
awkwardly ; Miss Turner with grace. She 



SECOND DISCUSSION 61 

and Miss Middleton drop naturally into 
conversation, 

DAN 
When I got my mother's telegram and said I 
was coming to see the sights of the capital, several 
friends decided to come at the same time, so we're 
quite a party. 

Mrs. Riley has seated herself at the head of 
the table, making tea and has placed the three 
ladies near her, 

DAN 

Ladies, this is Mr. Caro, of the International 
Society for Social Strife. My father came from 
the old country to work and he's just come from 
the old country to tell us not to work, so you and 
he are both members of the leisure class. 

Caro hows gravely. Hawk and Drake step 
forward and shake hands cordially. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

We must have a talk, Mr. Caro. Are you an 
American? 



62 STULTITIA 

MR. CARO 

{In a foreign accent) Soon I get my first 
papers {shrugging his shoulders) but you know 
I am a citizen of the world. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

Did you have to do mihtary service before you 
came over here? 

MR. CARO 

No, I escaped that tyranny. I belong to the 
great army of common humanity {rhetorically) 
which knows no country. 

DAN 

{Comes over and takes Hawk hy the arm) 
Come on, that's only part of the show. Here's 
Mr. Hope, the Socialist. He tells the boys about 
everybody owning everything together so nobody 
can get enough to loaf on, but just now higher 
wages and shorter hours are more in our line. 
{Meanwhile they shake hands) Here's Mr. 
Stone. He's the real dope. If he keeps on with 
his politics and strikes, soon we'll all be million- 
aires and workin' less than no time at all. 



SECOND DISCUSSION 63 

MR. STONE 

{Shaking hands) Dan's a fine boy. Dan, you 
oughtn't to give us away in front of these capital- 
ists. 

MR. DRAKE 

Thanks for calHng me a capitalist. Hawk, 
here, is our real millionaire. He ha.s money to 
throw at the birds, but he always throws it at the 
birds of paradise. He's an idealist. 

MRS. RILEY 

Now I want ye to all sit down and have some 
tea and get acquainted with me bye Dan. 

They distribute themselves at the table, 

MISS ROCK 
{In a voice of cloying s'meetness) Really, Mrs. 
Riley, this is most interesting. The very most in- 
teresting party I have ever been to. You- know I 
am fearfully interested in all the modern move- 
ments. 

MISS TURNER 

Are you a suffragist. Miss Rock? 



64 STULTITIA 

MISS ROCK 

Oh, yes. Vm going to march in the parade. 
Are you? What color cape will you wear? 

MISS TURNER 
I think so. I am not quite sure. My brother's 
gone crazy with Senator Hyhead and I am so busy 
trying to keep him from running after all the new 
fads that it's making me half a conservative. 
What do you think of woman's sujffrage, Miss 
Middleton? 

MISS MIDDLETON 

(Thoughtfully) I believe in it, although I am 
a conservative. 

MR. TURNER 

{With ardor) I supposed you were a conser- 
vative. Miss Middleton. You see, I'm a clerk. 
I belong to the class that feels the high cost of liv- 
ing. Wages go up, everything goes up, except our 
salaries. If you'd heard Senator Hyhead express 
these things, you'd understand why. His party's 
going to give us all a square deal. Why there's 
the initiative, referendum and recall, direct pri- 
maries, child labor laws; we're going to have the 
rule of the people and a square deal for everyone. 
It's beautiful. 



SECOND DISCUSSION 65 

MR. DRAKE 

(7^0 Turner) I sympathize with your dis- 
content as a salaried man. Manual labor has a 
better market, — and it can strike. Your sala- 
ried man is the worst treated in the whole com- 
munity. Salaries ought to be expressed in fixed 
purchasing power, — in the price of food and 
clothes. 

MR. HOPE 

Of course, Miss Middleton and her friends are 
conservatives. They belong to the capitalistic 
class. Mr. Turner, not one of those quack medi- 
cines has anything to do with your economic symp- 
toms. We Socialists are indebted to your party. 
All your discontented voters fall right into our 
lap. Labor demands princely wages. Greedy 
capital wars with labor. People like you are 
ground between them. The Socialists come along 
and say, '* Peace, gentlemen, we will take its wages 
from labor and its profits from capital, substitute 
common ownership and remove all cause of envy." 

MR. STONE 

Not for mine, Mr. Hope, with wages what they 
are and rising. Even S'enator Hyhead's party 
has not left the earth on the tariff question. I 



66 STULTITIA 

don't know how the socialists stand on that and 
I'd want to know about their wage scale and the 
cost of living. If I had to raise the potatoes un- 
der their scheme, I'd want quite a price. 

DAN 

If Mr. Turner's sore bein' a clerk and a gentle- 
man on $60 a month, it's open to him to wear 
overalls for $4 per and up. I don't know what 
my share would be with Mr. Hope's socialism, but 
I see my way to a tidy little business of my own 
in the next few years. 

Mr. Hope and Mr. Turner indulge in brown 
study. 

MR. STONE 

Miss Middleton, I am a radical. I'm for war 
with capital — not to the death, — I would not kill 
the goose that lays the golden eggs, — but war and 
no compromise and strikes and rough house, yes, 
within the law, you understand, and no injunc- 
tions against labor, till we get just all the traffic'll 
bear. 

MISS ROCK 

Really, Mr. Stone, I think your views are quite 
shocking. 



SECOND DISCUSSION 67 

MISS MIDDLETON 

Oh, I don't know, they're just like the views of 
selfish capital. 

MR. DRAKE 

{To Miss Rock) I don't know, either. Miss 
Rock. I could imagine it was your father talk- 
ing on the other side of the question. ( To the 
others) You know Senator Rock is against the 
income tax. He is an extreme individualist where 
the rights of capital are concerned; objects to all 
government control. He thinks the sole function 
of government is to protect capital from being 
robbed by labor, just as Mr. Stone here thinks the 
sole object of society should be to give tremendous 
wages even to the most unskilled workman and 
to make capital such an easy mark that it won't 
be worth having. {To Miss Rock) Your 
father and Mr. Stone are as like as two peas. I'd 
love to see them together and chalk out the ring. 

CAPTAIN hawk 

It's like party government. We all pretend to 
want the greatest good of the whole nation. 
Then, instead of working together to discover 
what that is, we try desperately to disagree as to 
means. We nurse along false issues like the 



68 STULTITIA 

negro question. See how the politicians still work 
that to paralyze the South; — the South's enslaved 
by the negro's freedom. They've got to keep 
their party together — to keep themselves in of- 
fice. If we must have party government, why 
can't we sincerely try to decide what one policy is 
best for the country and then disagree as to which 
set of men can best carry it out? You have com- 
petition enough in a horse race, although the horses 
all run in the same direction. If a vote must be a 
bet let us vote for the best man ; let us have parties 
of persons ; but let us not make party government 
a fake contest of false and trumped-up issues. 

DAN 

That's the talk. 

MR. DRAKE 
Yes; it's the same old fundamental fallacy, the 
outworn religion of competition that our new poli- 
ticians are preaching to us. Competition, war, 
fight — with all the waste of war: war instead 
of combination as the life of industry: war between 
parties as the life of the body politic. Why not 
war then between capital and labor, class war, 
as the life of society? No, they're not that log- 



SECOND DISCUSSION 69 

ical. Mr. Caro's religion is more so. What we 
really want is not war, but co-operation — mo- 
nopolistic combination of the spirit of the whole 
nation for the whole nation's good. {Aside) 
They haven't amended the Sherman Law to make 
that illegal — yet ! 

MR. TURNER 

{To Miss Middleton) Why are you a con- 
servative, Miss Middleton? Do you think things 
are right in this country ? 

MISS MIDDLETON 

No — I am a conservative because I think It's 
more efficient. I should be a socialist if I believed 
socialism would work, for I honestly believe in 
seeking the greatest good of the greatest number. 
But socialists and other expressives seem to start 
in the clouds and work down to earth. I believe 
In standing firmly on the earth we've got and 
building up ! 

MR. DRAKE 

Miss Middleton, you were going to tell Miss 
Turner what you think of woman's suffrage. 



70 STULTITIA 

MISS MIDDLETON 

Well, one good thing I see in It Is that with a 
female voter In his house the average American 
citizen would be ashamed to be so ignorant as he 
now Is of our great public questions. Why half 
the men, like Mr. Barney here, won't bother to 
go to the polls. 

MISS ROCK 

My father's against It, but It's absurd that 
women of property should have nothing to say 
about the laws. Besides, It's an Insult to women 
to be denied the right to vote. Mr. Caro, you're 
a foreigner, what do you think? {With an en- 
gaging smile) 

MR. CARO 

In Europe, yes. In America, I don't know. 
The women of America are so conservative, — 
and so sentimental. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

I don't worry about the question of dignity. I 
think women's votes would help in all legislation 
for social betterment. 



SECOND DISCUSSION 71 

MR. DRAKE 

That's the statesmanlike view. All we need to 
know is whether votes for women will give better 
net results in our elections. One thing that wor- 
ries me is this. We've got so many organizations 
and so many foreigners in this country. I don't 
care whether it's American Slavs or Italians or 
Jews or Greeks, or American plumbers or law- 
yers, or American this or that. I'm afraid we're 
going too fast. We can't have self-centered 
groups that won't co-operate with the rest of the 
body politic and still preserve the democratic na- 
tional purpose that alone can save us. Now will 
the women double the selfish vote of every organ- 
ized group, and the rest of the women stay away 
from the polls ? 

MISS MIDDLETON 

I don't think so. 

MR. CARO 

In Europe — and it gets the same here — the 
women of the vast proletariat will swell the vote 
of their class — the workers of the whole world 
whose interests are the same and world-wide, not 
country-wide. 



72 STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

Mr. Caro, in America we have no "classes"; 
we have no " proletariat " in the fixed and con- 
tinuous sense you mean — and we don't want them. 
Those are ideas you ought to leave behind. When 
you come here you must come here to join our 
family, to play the game our way. Just as a fam- 
ily hangs together that the young may be reared, 
the aged supported, and the members live decently 
and well, so our great American family is going 
to hang together for the benefit of all its members. 
Patriotism is the filial piety of the nation. It em- 
braces Its ideals like a religion. It has these uses, 
even if there never is another war. I'd like to 
see conscription to break in just such a citizen as 
you will make — and to discipline us all to our 
fihal duty to our great democratic State. 

MR. CARO 

But your Irish-Americans want one thing. 
Your American Catholics stand together — and 
your Methodists and so on. Your American Jews 
want this ; your American — 

CAPTAIN HAV^K 

No one appreciates more than I do those fine 
men of foreign birth who have been men and patri- 



SECOND DISCUSSION 73 

ots first. No one recognizes more than I the 
value of the good types still brought to our citizen- 
ship by the right sort of immigration. But my 
point is this: We must not work as members of 
a sect or a race or a group for its own separate 
interests. We must all be Americans — first, last 
and all the time ! I'm for every good American 
whatever his race or creed. I'm against {strik- 
ing his hand on the table) American Jews, for 
example, — though I'm willing to fight and die for 
Jewish Americans. What I demand is {loudly) 
our country first. {Turning to Mr. Caro) Of 
course I am against you, Mr. Caro; you're too 
broad-minded for me. If you people want to 
regulate a country go back and begin on your 
own. You'll find when the time comes that there 
are a few old-fashioned Americans left and that 
they propose to regulate their own country in their 
own way. 

MR. CARO 
{Smiling) Oh, you hold these views because 
you're a capitalist and an aristocrat. Captain 
Hawk, and belong to the military caste besides. 



74 STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
(Rising somewhat angrily) You call me an 
aristocrat ? Thank you. In the true Greek mean- 
ing " aristocracy " means power in the hands of 
the best; *' kakistocracy " means power In the 
hands of the worst. Representative democracy, 
by the grace of God, will sometime mean spirit in 
the heart and brain of the sovereign people to ex- 
ert their power to govern themselves through their 
chosen best representatives — true aristocrats in 
fact. So you see true democracy and true aris- 
tocracy are the same thing. Who is the aristocrat 
— who Is the best man? It's a question of fact. 
You admit it in the prize ring. Why not outside 
it? Why you could almost have a mathematical 
scale of honesty, sincerity, wisdom and unselfish- 
ness to measure men by. 

MR. CARO 
But look at the French Revolution. Look at 
history. The rich always grind down the poor. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Yes ; and If now the poor grind up the rich and 
the rich grind down the poor, why that's the re- 
vived religion of competition. Beautiful, Isn't It? 



SECOND DISCUSSION 75 

Now I can credit you with sincerity; but you 
can't credit me with sincerity, because I'm rich. 
It's the same with our new political demagogue. 
If my family has been useful enough to grow rich, 
why we're pariahs, we're suspect. I have a sim- 
ple standard of worth. Who's the snob, the man 
you call an " aristocrat " or your politician who's 
so very '^ plain people '' that he can't abide the 
thought that a man can be both rich and honest? 
It's a rotten aristocracy, a diseased caste Idea, this 
rot about aristocrats and commoners, and '* the 
peepul " and the " plain people." We're all 
Americans, aren't we, with equal rights? Well, 
I'm not going to let these demagogues set up a 
snobbish aristocracy or mediocrity, or whatever is 
the quality of their hypothetical commoners, and 
elbow me out of my political birthright. I'm one 
of the people, and I'm going to have my rights. 

A MESSENGER BOY 
{Opens the door and without taking off his cap 
sings out) Telegram for Mr. Caro. 

MRS. RILEY 
{Rises, saying) Sh! me bye, you're interrupt- 
ing a session of the Supreme Court. 



76 STULTITIA 

She walks toward the hoy and takes the tele- 
gram. 

MRS. RILEY 

Of all the sad parties. Ye ought to keep this 
government business in the Departments. They 
don't worry like this, serious-like, down at Con- 
gress. 

Mr. Caro rises and receives the telegram from 
Mrs. Riley. He goes to one side and reads 
it. There is a gleam in his eye. He turns 
somewhat pale and with a slight tremor 
places the telegram in his pocket. 

MRS. RILEY 

No bad news, I hope, Mr. Caro. 

MR, CARO 

Oh, no, nothing in particular. 
They resume their seats, 

DAN 

Never mind, mother, it's a fine party. Tm hav- 
ing the time of my life. Remember, you made me 
go to school, and I'm a politician. This is the 
real highbrow dope. Captain Hawk's right. If 



SECOND DISCUSSION 77 

the foreigners don't like it they can go home. Tm 
not going to let Mr. Hope divide up the tidy little 
business I'm soon starting, and I'm always telling 
Mr. Stone here not to push the capitalist too hard 
because I hope to be one myself some day. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

I can assure you, Mrs. Riley, that your son is 
a most efficient politician. {He goes around to 
Dan, who stands up, and shakes his hand) Mr. 
Riley, I want to congratulate you and to thank 
you for a real service to the country. 

MR. TURNER 
What did he do ? 

MRS. RILEY 

Why, me Congressman, that man Shuffler'd 
been worryin' the life out of Cap'n Hawk 'n Mr. 
Drake, botherin' 'em about their work for the 
Government. {With pride) I just telegraphed 
Dan. He fixed Mr. Shuffler, all right ! 

DAN 

Oh, don't mention it. {To Turner) Your 
Senator Hyhead's always talking about giving the 



78 STULTITIA 

rule back to the people. Why, man, youVe got 
it — only you don't know it. Shuffler's my rep- 
resentative; well, I just made him represent. 

MR. DRAKE 
He worked very well in this case because you 
happened to be right. Shuffler went wrong be- 
cause he thought you were wrong. He just boot- 
licks you. He hasn't any opinion of his own. If 
you had been wrong, he'd have helped you stay 
wrong. You ought to elect somebody who's man 
enough to have an opinion of his own and take a 
chance on making you agree with him before the 
next election. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

Yes, that would be representative government. 
We now have reflexive government. We elect 
too many chameleons. They don't dare think and 
the people haven't got the time to. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

Mr. Turner, do you attend all the primaries 
and vote at every election, and follow the politics 
of your ward? 



SECOND DISCUSSION 79 

MR. TURNER 

{Looking rather embarrassed) Well — Miss 
Middleton — you see my work in the office — such 
long hours and poor pay. — The Government is 
oppressing the people. But when the Expressive 
party comes in — 

MR. STONE 

Yes, the Government doesn't give the poor man 
a square deal. I agree with Mr. Caro and Mr. 
Hope in that. 

MR. DRAKE 

Does it ever occur to you that you are the Gov- 
ernment? The way people talk about " the Gov- 
ernment " as if it were something far away that 
they had nothing to do with, makes me tired. 
Every one has an equal share in the sovereignty, 
only Senator Rock and Mr. Stone must both re- 
member as Danton or somebody said in the French 
Revolution, " The rights of each man end where 
the rights of the next man begin." 

MISS MIDDLETON 

Is that too conservative for you, Mr. Turner? 



8o STULTITIA 

DAN 

You won't get Mr. Stone to agree to that. 
What about the scabs ? 

MR. STONE 

Organized labor proposes to put an end to the 

open shop. If a man wants to work, he can join 

the union. We have got to be organized. What 

can we do against the trusts and the combinations? 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Yes, Senator Rock can't see why my dollar 
should be free of the money trust and you can't 
see why my labor should be free of the labor trust. 
But where do I come in ? 

There is heard the voice of a newsboy in the 
street calling '^ Extra! '' All listen. 

MRS. RILEY 

Dan, buy one. I hope nothings happened to 
the President. 

Dan goes out. 

MR. CARO 
You seem to be very fond of the President, 
Mrs. Riley. 



SECOND DISCUSSION 81 

MRS. RILEY 

Shure I am. I'm an American and we've chose 
him to be boss. 

MR. DRAKE 

( To Hawk) I wonder what that extra can be. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

Oh, battle, murder, or sudden death. Nothing 
good is considered interesting nowadays. 

DAN 
{Returns, looking excited and reads as he walks 
across the room) '' Big cotton mill blown up. 
Plant destroyed. Officials of company buried in 
ruins. Casualties may reach thirty." 

MISS ROCK 
Oh! how horrible. Where is it? 

DAN 

-Meadville. 

MISS ROCK 

Oh ! that's where my brother is manager. My 
father's mills. Horrible! Oh, take me home 
right away. I must see father. 



82 STULTITIA 

She looks very pale and agitated, hut carefully 
smooths her hair and adjusts her wraps of- 
fered by Mr. Drake, while the others gather 
about her solicitously, 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

( To Barney) You take Miss Rock home In 
your motor. I will take the other ladies in mine. 
( To Miss Rock) I do hope your brother's safe. 
He probably had left his office early. You will 
doubtless find a reassuring message at home. 
Don't worry. 

She goes out with Barney. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

(7^0 Stone very seriously) Mr. Stone, that's 
not an American way for capital and labor to fight. 
You and Senator Rock may believe in war to the 
knife, but those of us who are older Americans 
do not. Senator Rock began as a poor boy, an 
immigrant's son. He began as a laborer, as I sup- 
pose you did. If you were a capitalist you'd be 
Senator Rock. You are simply Senator Rock as 
a labor leader. 



SECOND DISCUSSION 83 

MR. STONE 
{Professionally) Organized labor deprecates 
these outrages. They hurt the cause. They dis- 
credit the movement. 

Mr. Caro has stood rubbing his hands with a 
slightly sardonic expression. 

MR. HOPE 
We Socialists stand for orderly revolution. 
This is anarchy. What do you say, Mr. Caro? 

MR. CARO 

Well, in this world movement to emancipate 
humanity the means sometimes justifies the end. 
{His manner is fidgety and self-conscious) Not 
that I condone this instance of violence. I don't 
know all the particulars. Even some of your 
American statesmen recognize that in a great cause 
almost any expedient is justified. You see in our 
world movement we propose to make it no longer 
worth while for capital to carry on industry. In 
Europe they call it sabotage. Here you are only 
learning. By strikes and such demonstrations we 
drive capital out of business. We make things 
dangerous. Later we'll put all men equally to 
work a few hours every day digging ditches, run- 



84 STULTITIA 

ning machinery, writing books, running mills. It 
is all the same. In a great world movement gov- 
ernments mean nothing. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Well, this Government means something. I 
don't like your talk and I noticed your manner 
when you got that telegram, curiously enough, just 
before this horrible news came. {He stands men- 
acingly over Caro) Mr. Caro, I want that tele- 
gram. 

MR. CARO 

You shall not have It. This is an outrage. 
This Is a free country. 

CAPTAIN HAV^K 

Come here, Drake. (Drake comes and takes 
Caro's arm and twists it behind his hack. Caro 
struggles and Hawk draws the telegram from his 
pocket and reads aloud) " Meadville, 9:25. 
Caro, care Mrs. Riley. Candle ship aggravate 
bright mallet. (Signed) John.'' 

CAPTAIN hawk 
Oh! A code message. Hold him, Drake, 
while I fish out his code. 



SECOND DISCUSSION 85 

Dan and the others are standing around the 
struggling Caro. Dan looks the joy of bat- 
tle. Mr. Hope looks very thoughtful; Mr. 
Stoi'-je rather worried; Mr. Turner horri- 
fied. The ladies remain near the table, Miss 
Turner holding Miss Middleton's hand. 

MRS. RILEY 
Oh, the skunk, and him stroking me cat. 

captain hawk 
Here It Is. {Reading the words and comparing 
with the cipher) " Explosion pulled off — no one 
suspected — meet you Chicago — same place as 
last time — 29th.'* 

captain hawk 
Mrs. Riley, we want a policeman with a patrol. 

MRS. RILEY 

Run, Dan, run, run to the drugstore at the cor- 
ner and telephone. 
Dan does. 

Curtain 



THIRD DISCUSSION 



THIRD DISCUSSION 

An angle in the hall of the White House 
at Washington. On the left are seen in the 
foreground the banister of the stairway conduct- 
ing from the apartments above, and beyond, fac- 
ing us diagonally, the doors to the East Room, 
which stand wide open. The severe white pan- 
eling of the hack wall faces us diagonally, 
broken only by the mahogany outlines of the 
door opening into the Green Room, left, and the 
door opening into the Blue Room, right. The 
floor is carpeted with red. Gilt benches, up- 
holstered in red, stand along the walls. At the 
right there are a number of palms and a few 
chairs evidently brought out from the dining 
room further down the hall. A hum of voices 
is heard through the doors of the rooms beyond, 
where some of the guests are assembled. It is 
10:^0 o^ clock. Several foreign diplomats and 
military and naval attaches, in uniform and with 
decorations, are walking up and down, convers- 
89 



90 STULTITIA 

ing with ladies in evening dress. Mrs. Bar- 
ney, a loudly dressed woman, with fabulous 
jewels, stands talking with exaggerated arts and 
graces, to an Ambassador. From the right, 
there enter in great haste, Miss Middleton, 
Drake, Miss Turner and Mr. Turner. 
Drake and Miss Middleton rush up to Mrs. 
Barney. 

miss middleton 
{Eagerly) Are we very late? We have just 
come from the most exciting party that wound up 
with an arrest. 

MRS. BARNEY 
{With a mincing accent she fondly thinks sounds 
English) An arrest? How very extraordinary. 

MR. DRAKE 

{With a warning glance at Miss Middleton) 
It was nothing, really, but it diverted the ladies. 

THE AMBASSADOR 
{Looking at his watch rather superciliously) 
Yes, your President is taking his time this evening. 
We've been here half an hour. 



THIRD DISCUSSION 91 

MRS. BARNEY 
He was at a men's dinner my husband Is giving 
in honor of Mr. Goldstein, the great banker. ( To 
The Ambassador, cloyingly) It's too bad, Ex- 
cellency, you should be kept waiting like this. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

It's no worse to wait in a republic than at a 
court, is it, Mr. Ambassador? 

MR. drake 
I'm going to have a little rest before the party 
sets in. Come along, Mr. Turner, and have a 
smoke. 

He walks toward the right, Turner following, 

MISS MIDDLETON 

I'm coming, too. Come on. Miss Turner. 

They follow, leaving Mrs. Barney and The 
Ambassador. 

MR. DRAKE 
{Taking out his cigarette case wistfully) I 
was going into the smooking room to have a ciga- 
rette. 



92 STULTITIA 

MISS MIDDLETON 

{Snatching one) I'm coming, too. There's 
no one in there now. 

MR. DRAKE 
Look out, you'll shock Miss Turner. You 
don't realize that this is a solemn occasion. 

MISS MIDDLETON 
{Pirouettes^ waving the cigarette above her 
head) Solemn occasions always make me feel 
frivolous. Do you think it's wrong for women to 
smoke, Miss Turner? I never can understand 
why it's respectable for a girl to be a pig about 
candy and ruin her health, and disreputable to 
smoke a few cigarettes. 

MR. DRAKE 
But remember the Puritans. 

MISS MIDDLETON 
I sometimes think we've just enough of the Pur- 
itan left to make us pigs, but not enough to make 
us good. 

Miss Middleton gives hack the cigarette and 
Drake and Turner walk out. 



THIRD DISCUSSION 93 

MISS MIDDLETON 

( To Miss Turner) You're not shocked, are 
you? 

Miss Turner smiles dubiously. 

MISS MIDDLETON 
Well, to console you, I'll tell you. I don't 
smoke. — I want to introduce you to some people. 

She leads her to the door of the Blue Room, 
where the man on duty lowers the cord to ad- 
mit them. 

Most of the people in the hall seat themselves 
on the benches. Captain Hawk, in uni- 
form, walks in hurriedly and shakes hands 
with several people. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

{To Mrs. Barney) Am I late? Has the 
President come down? 

MRS. barney 

No, but he must be here soon. He's been at 

my husband's dinner to Mr. Goldstein, the banker. 

Captain Hawk looks at a watch on his wrist. 

From the East Roo?n enter with slow gait, 



94 STULTITIA 

Senator Dormant, Representative 
Shuffler and Senator Hyhead, in earnest 
conversation. Captain Hawk greets them. 

captain hawk 
Well, gentlemen, what's the fate of the coun- 
try? 

Drake re-enters and joins the group. 

MR. turner 
( To himself, following, with a pensive air) I 
wonder if Miss Middleton can be respectable. 

captain hawk 
Have you decided to put through the army and 
navy bills and confirm Drake for that embassy? 

MR. SHUFFLER 

{Confidentially to Hawk) I did all I could to 
get through that bill — ahem. Upon more ma- 
ture consideration (sententiously) I concluded 
that the broad interests of the country ought to 
override any little question of party expediency. 

CAPTAIN hawk 

(Aside) God bless Dan Riley. 



THIRD DISCUSSION 95 

MR. DRAKE 

( To Senator Dormant) How's it going in 
the Senate ? 

senator dormant 
No chance at all. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

{To Mr. Shuffler, sarcastically) You saw 
the light too late, Mr. Shuffler. 

SENATOR DORMANT 

{Continuing) It's all decided. We are going 
to throw out both bills. The Congress of the 
United States stands as a bulwark to protect the 
American people from the military and imperial- 
istic policy of the Executive. 

SENATOR HYHEAD 

Mr. Drake, you diplomatists ought to know 
about precedence. Senator Dormant has been 
raging for an hour because he thought he did not 
get the right seat at Barney's dinner tonight. He 
was placed below a foreign minister. 



96 STULTITIA 

MR. DRAKE 
Democratic simplicity, Senator, makes every 
President afraid to draw up definite rules of cere- 
mony for Washington. We do not recognize the 
fact that two people cannot sit on the same chair. 
It seems order is monarchical; confusion demo- 
cratic. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
But about that legislation? 

SENATOR DORMANT 

{Muttering) Infernal outrage — halfway 
down the table. 

Some of the other guests having resumed walk- 
ing up and down, they seat themselves. An 
Aide-de-Camp hurries down the stair and 
makes a sign that The President is com- 
ing. The hand strikes up ^^ The Star Span- 
gled Banner.'* Hawk and Drake spring to 
their feet and stand at attention. The for- 
eigners rise; the Americans more slowly. 
Mrs. Barney remains seated. Captain 
Hawk steps up to her. 



THIRD DISCUSSION 97 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

I beg your pardon, Mrs. Barney. This is the 
" Star Spangled Banner." 

MRS. BARNEY 

(Rising slowly) Oh. Is this our national an- 
them? Why, I thought it had the same tune as 
'' God Save the King." 

The President, with his Wife on his arm, ap- 
pears from the stairway, followed by two 
Aides-de-Camp. Everyone hows. They are 
surrounded and greet their guests in an un- 
assuming manner, Mr. Barney ]oins that 
group, coming from the Blue Room, accom- 
panied by Mr. Goldstein, the banker. Mr. 
Barney is a hale and hearty-looking business 
man of sixty. Mr. Goldstein is a short 
man, stout and heavily built, with a bull neck, 
grey hair and beard and face of mask-like im- 
mobility, with shrewd, hard eyes and rather 
heavy features of the Jewish type. He ad- 
vances rather pompously and greets The 
President coldly. The President returns 
the greeting with marked cordiality. 
Drake and Hawk walk apart from the group 
of Senators. 



98 STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
{To Drake earnestly and sadly) Those bills 
are killed. We are going to get caught with no 
adequate army or navy. You can't make these 
people see. 

MR. DRAKE 

Let's both resign from the service. What's the 
use? We cannot serve our country with men like 
those standing like a stone wall between us and 
the nation. The President sees; we all see; they 
won't see. Senator Dormant's a well-meaning, 
honest gentleman; but he thinks Jefferson's still 
President; hasn't had a new idea since. Shuffler 
hasn't an idea above ward politics. Hyh'ead's all 
in the clouds and it pains him to think anybody's 
honest — a real Expressive reformer. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Yes. There are heaps of good men in Con- 
gress, but the tragedy is they are swamped by these 
types and paralyzed. 

Just then Senator and Mrs. Rock and Miss 
Rock enter. Hawk and Drake welcome 
them politely. 



THIRD DISCUSSION 99 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

( To Miss Rock) So glad to know by your 
presence here that your brother escaped. {To 
Senator Rock) A horrible thing. Have you 
the particulars? What caused it? How many 
poor devils were killed? 

SENATOR ROCK 

My son, the manager, was injured by flying de- 
bris. He's in hospital. {Indifferently) A 
couple of dozen laborers killed — some wounded. 
Probably sympathized with the strike. Serves 
'em right. I want to speak to the President. 

He joins the group where The President 
stands. Mrs. Rock and Miss Rock speak 
to The President's Wife. Mrs. Barney 
joins them, 

THE president's V^IFE 

How happy you must be that your dear boy es- 
caped? 

MRS. ROCK 

A merciful Providence. What are we coming 
to in this country? Strikes and the income tax; 
suffrage, women smoking and not going to church. 



loo STULTITIA 

Why, there are very few respectable people left. 
We'll have socialism next. Senator Rock and I 
do what we can. We always support the Church 
and give to all the charities. So many people 
don't go to church nowadays. Why Miss Mill, 
the settlement worker, told me she never went to 
any particular church. I had always supposed 
she was a lady. 

MRS. BARNEY 

{With superior urbanity, to The President's 
Wife) Isn't Mrs. Rock deliciously old-fash- 
ioned? {To Mrs. Rock) I suppose you give 
the Levitical lo per cent, to the poor. 

MRS. ROCK 

Oh, not quite, I suppose. That was meant for 
the masses. For rich people that would run to 
an enormous sum. 

THE president's WIFE 
How are the conditions of labor in your hus- 
band's mills? Plenty of light and air, good quar- 
ters and so forth? 



THIRD DISCUSSION loi 

MRS. ROCK 

Oh, I suppose they're all right — I never go to 
the mills myself. 

Doctor Harmony and Mrs. Tinker emerge 
from the Blue Room. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

{Remarks to Drake as they pass) There go 
two of our honest, well-meaning enemies. 

MRS. ROCK 

Oh, there's Mrs. Tinker. I must be nice to 
her. Now if these working people didn't drink — 

She walks over and greets Mrs. Tinker and 
Doctor Harmony with cordiality and brings 
them up to meet The President and his 
Wife. 

the president 
A great chance for patriotic service, Mr. Gold- 
stein. You must finance that railroad to Panama. 
They're cutting down the navy and we've got to 
have a land route to defend the Canal and you 
will do a great work in making the loan to the 
Republic of Colonia. In the Caribbean near the 
Canal, above all, we cannot have the Monroe 



102 STULTITIA 

Doctrine challenged. Europe's pressing them 
hard. 

MR. GOLDSTEIN 
{With a marked foreign accent^ Yes, Mr. 
President, we always like to co-operate with the 
Government, but will we be protected? 

THE PRESIDENT 

{Laughingly) Well, we cannot attach a bat- 
tleship to every bond, but we'll look after you. I 
will speak to the Senators. 

The President, with Mr. Goldstein, ]oins 
the three Senators^ to whom he introduces 
him. They chat, 

THE PRESIDENT 

{Beckons his Aide-de-camp and says to him) 
Look after Mr. and Mrs. Barney and see that 
they have a good time and meet everyone. 
They've just moved here, you know. 

The Aide-de-camp disappears, 

CAPTAIN HAV^K 

( To Drake) The President seems to be very 
attentive to that Barney, the department store 
king. What's up? 



THIRD DISCUSSION 103 

MR. DRAKE 

My guileless little child. Barney's department 
stores are the greatest advertisers in the country. 
The President wants editorial support from the 
papers Barney advertises in. Their four million 
circulation forms that powerful and unanimous 
opinion of those who don't know the facts. Now 
do you see? Didn't you know that bankers and 
department stores and other active organizations 
ruled us through the newspapers? Why, we the 
unorganized majority just lap it up every morn- 
ing with breakfast and think we are forming our 
own opinions. Look at that hubbub that lost us 
the nearest approach to a friendship we had In 
Europe. {Continuing) That little old banker 
there is the finger of destiny. Wars today are 
settled in the counting houses, not in foreign offices 
and general staffs. I wonder what he will do? 

THE PRESIDENT 

{To Senator Dormant) We want you to 
ratify those conventions. Then, with the help of 
Mr. Goldstein and his friends, we can get our 
railroad to Panama and with the conventions take 
those republics beyond the reach of European 
danger. 



104 STULTITIA 

SENATOR DORMANT 
Well, I've never thought we ought to get mixed 
up In these things. 

SENATOR HYHEAD 

Vm quite sure that in the West there Is no sen- 
timent In favor of these policies of expansion. 
Take the situation today. It is a matter of le- 
gitimate expediency. Now a professor from a 
European university was telling me the other day 
about the burden of the Philippines upon the 
United States. 

MR. SHUFFLER 

Mr. President, I was going to ask you about 
that appointment. 

THE PRESIDENT 

Sorry, I must go now to greet our other guests. 

SENATOR HYHEAD 

Oh! Got through that bill for the protection 
of waterfowl. I hope you'll be able to sign it 
tomorrow, Mr. President. 

THE PRESIDENT 

I hope to see you later, gentlemen. 



THIRD DISCUSSION 105 

Accompanied by his AiDE-DE-CAMP, The Presi- 
dent joins his Wife and they pass into the 
East Room. The President, appearing to 
have forgotten something, immediately re- 
turns. 

THE PRESIDENT 

Oh, Senator Rock. I almost forgot to tell you 
how glad I am to hear that your son was not seri- 
ously hurt in the explosion. Senator, can't you 
turn the tide in favor of those national defense 
bills and get the treaties ratified? You know the 
safety of the country demands this. 

SENATOR ROCK 

{Flaring up somewhat) The safety of this 
country demands less interference with capital and 
more restraint of this labor movement. Your 
sympathy is largely responsible for these absurd 
pretensions of labor. You need ask no favors of 
me. 

THE PRESIDENT 

This very morning Stone, the labor leader, was 
here demanding for labor freedom from all re- 
straint by injunction. He said he hoped there'd 
be no trouble at your mills. But he told me, Sen- 



io6 STULTITIA 

ator, that I ought to see the labor conditions in 
your mills. I'm going to. I'll fight the tyranny 
of labor and I'll fight the tyranny of capital as 
long as I live. You expect to make men and 
women into machines, doing work of crazing mo- 
notony and to work them more than eight hours 
a day in bad air and discomfort? 

SENATOR ROCK 

Well, those immigrants are better off than they 
were at home. 

THE PRESIDENT 
And what immigrants some of them are. You 
want the open door to foreign labor. Stone de- 
mands lace curtains and a piano for every hod 
carrier. We're getting too much money and not 
enough happiness in this country. We'd better 
be a small nation than a big mob. I'm against 
both you and Stone — and for precisely similar 
reasons. You're both brutally, blindly selfish. 

SENATOR ROCK 

{To himself) Well, I'll get even with him. 
He joins the group of Senators at the right, 
Drake and Hawk rejoin the group and one of 



THIRD DISCUSSION 107 

the diplomats shaking hands with Drake ac- 
companies them. 

SENATOR DORMANT 
No, as I was telling the President, Fm against 
this military and naval expansion and these im- 
perialistic policies. 

THE DIPLOMAT 

What are you going to do with the bills and 
conventions. Senator? 

The Diplomat listens with evident great in- 
terest. 

SENATOR DORMANT 
We think we've got army and navy enough. 
{Laughing) A little American army and navy 
goes a long way, you know. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
You flatter us. Senator. 

Drake's face expresses disgust and he looks at 
Senator Dormant in a way to try to deter 
him from speaking of these matters before 
a foreigner. The Senator is blandly ob- 
livious and continues. 



io8 STULTITIA 

SENATOR DORMANT 

WeVe always had the Monroe Doctrine and 
I don't see the use of all this talk of trouble now- 
adays. 

THE DIPLOMAT 

I quite agree with you, Senator. We used to 
complain that you would not let us come on shore 
and punish those little republics when they 
wouldn't pay up and at the same time decline to 
do the police work yourselves. 

SENATOR HYHEAD 

Yes, the United States should not assume the 
role of policeman in this hemisphere. 

THE DIPLOMAT 

I quite agree with you. Senators. I think things 
are going very well as they are. 

MR. SHUFFLER 

Well, Senators, let us circulate around a little. 
I want to go home and get to bed early. You 
know tomorrow morning we have that important 
debate on the paper schedule. I've had fifty tele- 
grams from newspaper editors today. 



THIRD DISCUSSION 109 

SENATOR DORMANT 
(As they start slowly to walk into the East 
Room) Pretty slick, the way you got through 
that water-fowl bill of yours, brother Hyhead. 

MR. SHUFFLER 
{Lagging behind to speak to Hawk) Since 
our talk about the army and navy bill two weeks 
ago, I talked to the Senate leaders; but, you see, 
they had three days for eulogies. Then there 
was a long filibuster for the $4,000,000 naval sta- 
tion down at Bitter Creek Harbor, and there was 
Senator Dormant's speech on senatorial courtesy, 
— a matter of personal privilege. There was 
only one day for the national defense bills and 
the Central American loan conventions and Pan- 
ama railroad; — I guess there's no chance for 
them. They go out. Mighty sorry. {Rather 
pleadingly) You'll tell Dan Riley how I tried, 
won't you? 

Hawk raises his arms in despair above his 
head, 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

They fiddle while Rome burns and won't listen 
to the Departments. We give our lives to the 



no STULTITIA 

study of these questions. (Sarcastically) Nat- 
urally, we're prejudiced. What can we do against 
the unanimous opinions of those who won't know 
the facts? 

Miss Middleton comes in with young Bar- 
ney and comes up to Hawk and Drake, 
who are by this time the only persons in the 
hall, 

MISS MIDDLETON 

I have promised to talk to Charley Barney if 
he will take no more champagne. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

{To Barney) You talk about a commission 
in the army. We'll turn you over to the Salva- 
tion Army if you're not careful. 

MR. drake 

You're a charming Salvation Army lassie, Miss 
Middleton. Hawk's resigning from the army 
and I'm going to chuck my job. We're going to 
enlist in the army for the salvation of the United 
States of America. 

Hawk and Drake walk out arm in arm. 



THIRD DISCUSSION in 

MISS MIDDLETON 

{To Barney) Come over here and let's sit 
down. {They sit) Look here, Charley Barney, 
you've had a college education. You're going 
to control a great fortune made in the United 
States. What are you going to do with your life ? 

BARNEY 

{Who has rather an affected and finicky way, 
due to too much residence abroad during the form- 
ative period) I really don't know, Miss Mid- 
dleton. My father wants me to go into business. 
I hate business. If we only had delightful coun- 
try life like they have in England, fox-hunting and 
house parties and all that sort of thing. I'd like to 
go into politics, but here they're so low down. 
It's not like in England, where it's a gentleman's 
game. If they won't give me a commission in the 
army, I may try diplomacy. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

{Sarcastically) What's the matter with the 
Church ? 

BARNEY 

Oh, I say, Miss Middleton. 



112 STULTITIA 

MISS MIDDLETON 
Well, American diplomacy is not gold-lace and 
champagne. It's hard work for patriotic men of 
brains, and the army's a noble profession. 
There's room for red blood in the Church. Now, 
if you've got any brains and patriotism, get into 
the game and use them for the country. I don't 
know yet whether you're any good or not, but you 
owe your whole fortune to this country and it's 
up to you to do something for it. Why the poli- 
tics of one State, serving the people in some local 
office you never heard of, is field enough for any 
man. I'm not surprised you don't want to go 
into business. Why should you want to make 
more money? You've got too much already. 
There's some little excuse for the selfish neglect 
of political duties by men who have a hard strug- 
gle to support their famihes. There's none for 
men like you. Oh, the privilege of being a young 
American with enough to live on and a surplus to 
spend for the good of his country! If I were 
such a one I'd just spend enough on myself to be 
comfortable and I'd feel that I owed the rest of 
my money and all my mind, my courage, and my 
energy, to my country. What Is the matter with 
young men like you ? Don't you see what chances 



THIRD DISCUSSION 113 

of usefulness, what fine careers, you are throwing 
away? And you sit around futile and gently 
bored — or else you work for money you neither 
desire nor need! Get into the game. Organize 
boy scouts. Improve agriculture, run decent news- 
papers, take off your kid gloves and go into ward 
politics. Do something. Be something. This 
is your country. Help run It. Improve it! 
Serve it. Repay It for the fortunes It has given 
you. 

BARNEY 

Oh, I say. Miss MIddleton. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

The trouble Is people like you all want to be 
ambassadors or glorified advocates of peace. 
Every little leader must have a movement all his 
own. The average man cares more for promi- 
nence than for achievement. You don't like to 
work In unsterlllzed politics. {Ironically) I 
suppose you're too refined. Here comes your 
mother. 

Mrs. Barney appears. 



114 STULTITIA 

MRS. BARNEY 

Jack, have you met that Miss Chrystabel 
Squlggs-Mugglnson who is a house guest at the 
British Embassy? 

MISS MIDDLETON 
How hospitable not to keep her in the stable I 

MRS. BARNEY 
She's so charming. She's just been presented at 
Court. Miss Middleton, you ought to be pre- 
sented at Court. 

BARNEY 
Come over motoring with us this spring. You 
can do it then. 

MISS MIDDLETON 
{Gravely and thoughtfully) I'm not going to 
Europe again for a long time — perhaps never. 
It's much too interesting here these days. 

MRS. BARNEY 

What can the dear child mean? Why we can 
meet the officials through our embassy — and the 
men who are working out great problems like In- 
dia and Egypt, and Parliament will be in session. 



THIRD DISCUSSION 115 

It's fascinating. My husband knows the Under- 
Secretary of the English Foreign Office. 
Drake walks in and comes up to them, 

MISS MIDDLETON 

Oh, Mrs. Barney, do you know Mr. Drake? 
He's a great man In our Foreign Office. 

Mrs. Barney greets him indifferently, 

MR. drake 
( To Miss Middleton) The Governor of the 
Philippines Is here — want to meet him? Just 
back from seven years of fine constructive work. 
He thinks Independence would be fatal — make 
the worst type of Central American republic on a 
huge scale. Usual story — mass of the people 
simple, honest and Industrious. Independence 
means their oppression by a small bunch of half- 
educated grafters and opera bouffe heroes, with 
a moral protectorate to drag us in. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

That's interesting. Yes. 

BARNEY 

Do they have polo at Manila? 



ii6 STULTITIA 

MRS. BARNEY 

Who's the Governor of the Philippines? I 
never heard of him. Oh, Jack, Miss Squlggs- 
Mugginson has been traveling in South America. 
She met your sister Sibyl — stopped with them at 
the Legation. She knew Baron Gadding when 
he was Secretary in London. 

MR. DRAKE 

What's the news from Colonia? The Baron's 
countrymen are very active there. I suppose he's 
very busy and your daughter's become a great 
diplomat? I wish we had her on our side, Mrs. 
Barney. 

MISS MIDDLETON 
Why did you let Sibyl marry a foreigner? I 
can't see how our girls can do it, giving up their 
country, taking their fortunes abroad, raising sons 
for foreign armies. What should we think of our 
men if they gave up their country so lightly? 

MR. DRAKE 

You're all right. Miss Middleton. But it's the 
American men who're to blame. We're too shy, 
or too busy, or too lazy to cultivate the arts and 



THIRD DISCUSSION 117 

graces. We don't give our women a look in on 
the big things. We fall between the harem and 
the partnership. When you get woman's suf- 
frage you can change the law of expatriation; — 
or to put a tax on fortunes expatriated through 
marriage would be very effective, I daresay. 
Mrs. Barney, how does the Baroness like Co- 
lonia ? 

MRS. BARNEY 

Oh, I don't know. Those posts are so stupid. 
They just missed going to the Balkans. I wish 
the Baron could be stationed in Europe — or come 
to Washington. 

MR. DRAKE 
{Thoughtfully) Colonia is in the Balkans of 
the United States, — our most important sphere of 
vital interest. 

MRS. BARNEY 

The Queen of Roumania is so interesting! She 
has a wonderful hospital for the blind. I'm work- 
ing for one in New York. We've got the Eng- 
lish ambassadress to be a patroness. It must be 
so dreadful to be blind and not be able to see and 
understand things. 



ii8 STULTITIA 

MISS MIDDLETON 

We need a school for the bhnd who won't see. 

MRS. BARNEY 

Here comes the dear Ambassador. 

The Ambassador appears at the door of the 
Green Room, looks about, evidently in search 
of someone, and turns back. 

MRS. barney 
{Rising) The diplomats are all going home. 
It's getting late. I must find Mr. Barney and go. 
Come, Jack, I want to introduce you to that de- 
lightful English girl. 

Jack says good-night to Miss Middleton and 
Drake and he and his mother pass into the 
East Room. 

Miss Middleton is meanwhile led by Drake 
to a seat at the right behind the palm trees. 
Once alone with Miss Middleton, he as- 
sumes a very tender manner toward her. 
They converse in low tone. He takes her 
hand, which she soon withdraws. An Aide- 
de-camp enters evidently looking for some 
one. 



THIRD DISCUSSION 119 

THE AIDE-DE-CAMP 

Drake, are you there? 

MR. DRAKE 

Yes, here I am. 

THE AIDE-DE-CAMP 
Just wait a minute, Mr. Barney wants to see 
you. I'll get him. 

He goes out and returns immediately with 
Barney, Sr. 

mr. barney 
{Confidentially) I don't like to tell the Presi- 
dent. Will you tell him? You know he wants 
those newspapers to support editorially his na- 
tional defense policy and those treaties and the 
ship subsidy. Tell him I've spoken to 'em. 
They say the public's not interested in foreign af- 
fairs. There's no demand. I couldn't press 
them. You see Goldstein and his friends are 
against it. Well, you see, my credit's in their 
hands. I'm patriotic, and all that, you know, but 
business is business. I don't know what's the mat- 
ter with Goldstein. Now If we could have a 



120 STULTITIA 

little war — not serious — that would have a 
news value — excite the public. You could get 
the press behind you. 

MR. DRAKE 

Yes, when it was too late. Thanks. I'll tell 
the President. Good-night. 

Mr. Barney says good-night and withdraws. 
Drake returns to his seat beside Miss Mid- 
DLETON. He sighs and looks wrapped in 
gloomy thought. She watches him. Sud- 
denly his eyes turn to her and his expression 
changes to one of tenderness. He smiles 
and again takes her hand, which she again 
withdraws. The hum of voices has gradu- 
ally died away. A colored servant comes 
out the doors of the East Room, which he 
closes, and then starts to the door of the 
Green Room, where he meets The Ambas- 
sador coming out with his arm in that of 
Mr. Goldstein. They are in earnest con- 
versation, in low tones. 

THE AMBASSADOR 

{To the Servant) Are we the last? 



THIRD DISCUSSION 121 

SERVANT 

Yas, sah. Youse de las'. But dey ain't no 
hurry. Jest you take yo time, gemmen. When 
youse ready jest come through hyar an' I'll let 
you out through the South do'. 

THE AMBASSADOR 

(Pointing) Through there? All right. 

Js The Ambassador and Mr. Goldstein 
saunter to the middle of the room, where 
they stand talking, Drake seizes Miss Mid- 
DLETON by the wrist and forces her with him- 
self into a position against the wall where 
they are quite hidden, MiSS MiDDLETON 
looks surprised, but holds her peace at a sig- 
nal from Drake. 

THE AMBASSADOR 

Now is It understood, once for all, friend Gold- 
stein? His Majesty feels the greatest Interest 
in our enterprise In Colonla. Support these 
American plans, remember, and no more market 
for your securities on our bourse or with our al- 
lies. His Majesty wishes to see no merchant ma- 
rine In this country, either. Your race is being 
persecuted still in our allies' country. His 



122 STULTITIA 

Majesty's influence would be valuable. A Yan- 
kee naval and diplomatic expansion just now would 
be very inopportune. You of course love your 
new country; but what do they want? We must 
expand. His Majesty has great plans. This 
great peace movement is America's natural role. 
They can afford it. Get the shipping and finan- 
cial interests to see this. Now, goodnight. And, 
if you decide to go back and would like td be 
Baron Goldstein — maybe I could help you. 

MR. GOLDSTEIN 
Yes, Excellency; but where do I come in? As 
a matter of business I should have liked to take 
these loans for Colonia and the railroad to Pan- 
ama, but — 

THE AMBASSADOR 

You cannot do it. I can turn something your 
way later through your European house. {Laugh- 
ing) There may be no trouble, but if there is, 
it will be big trouble. We'll let your house in on 
the financing of the war indemnity! Goodnight. 
The Ambassador goes out through the Green 
Room with a jaunty gait. Mr. Goldstein 
stands with rather a stupefied expression 



THIRD DISCUSSION 123 

wrapped in silent thought. The Aide-de- 
camp appears at the Blue Roo7n door with 
Hawk, Mr. Turner and Miss Turner. 

THE AIDE-DE-CAMP 

Why Drake and Miss Middleton were here a 
few minutes ago. They said they'd meet us 
here. {Seeing Goldstein, who has turned 
around in surprise, aroused from his reverie) 
Good evening again, Mr. Goldstein. 

drake and miss middleton 
{Who have meanwhile crept along the wall and 
returned by a detour of the rooms) Here we 
are. We thought you were never coming. 

MR. GOLDSTEIN 
{Who has regained his composure, joins them) 
The beautiful American simplicity of this White 
House captivates me. I forgot all about the time. 
This Is awful. I must be going right away. 

captain hawk 
{To Miss Middleton) The Turner family 
has had an eye-opener this evening. Turner has 
seen his Expressive Idol, Senator Hyhead, at close 



124 STULTITIA 

range. He heard all about the bill for the pro- 
tection of waterfowl, and then the ten command- 
ments, decently cloaked, of course, in legitimate 
expediency. You'll let me write to you, won't 
you. Miss Turner? {Quite seriously) It's been 
a wonderful evening — such a joy to meet a plain 
— no, far from plain (Miss Turner looks silly 
and blushes) a simple American girl of the old 
school, with no European airs — and with serious 
ideas. 

MR. GOLDSTEIN 

Good-night, ladies. Good — 

MR. DRAKE 
{Pale and with tragic earnestness) Mr. Gold- 
stein — or have you decided to be Baron Gold- 
stein ? — 

Goldstein turns pale — composes himself, and 
smirks, resuming an air of some assurance. 
The President appears suddenly in the 
door of the Green Room, with his hands in 
his pockets and smoking a long cigar. 

THE president 

What! Some of you still here? Hello, Mr. 
Goldstein. {Very cordially. Goldstein hows 



THIRD DISCUSSION 125 

with constraint) Hello, Drake. Hello, Miss 
Middleton — up pretty late, aren't you? {He 
nods to them all) This is fine. I can't sleep. 
I'm too worried about those national defense meas- 
ures. I've been out on the terrace thinking. It 
got a little cool, so I thought I'd come in here and 
walk up and down and smoke awhile. 

MR. GOLDSTEIN 

I must go, Mr. President. 
He holds out his hand, 

MR. DRAKE 

{Quietly) Don't shake that man's hand. 
He's a traitor. 

Goldstein recoils. 

THE PRESIDENT 

{JVith a start, severely) Mr. Drake! You 
forget yourself. 

MR. DRAKE 

I apologize, sir; but this is serious. You must 
know of this. It is made criminal by statute for 
an American citizen to correspond with a foreign 
government against the diplomatic interests of the 



126 STULTITIA 

United States. A certain Ambassador practically 
ordered this man to oppose your measures of na- 
tional defense. He acquiesced. I will tell you 
the details later. {To Mr. Goldstein, pulling 
down his cuff) I have a stenographic report of 
that whole conversation. {Sarcastically) It 
would make good reading in the papers, wouldn't 
it? If the American people knew — 

MR. GOLDSTEIN 

{With a snarl) Do you think they would print 
It? Do you think they'd believe you, a mere 
bureaucrat? I will have Senator Dormant spoken 
to about an investigation of your Department and 
its meddling imperialistic schemes. 

THE PRESIDENT 

{With emotion, to his Aide-de-camp) Show 
Mr. Goldstein out. 

The President stands in the middle of the hall 
with his hands to his head and groans: ^' Oh, 
Lord, is this possible! ^^ The others stand 
in a group to the right, respectfully silent. 

THE president 

And I counted on Goldstein as an American. 
Perhaps I was wrong to expect It. Look at these 



THIRD DISCUSSION 127 

native born Americans chosen by the nation. I 
can't even make them stand up together for the 
broad national interest. It's in the air. If we 
who are born here can't work together as one for 
the nation, what on earth can we expect of those 
we wish to assimilate? {Wistfully) But we take 
them in so heartily. How can they ever stand 
apart when it comes to a national duty? You'd 
think they'd feel they owed a special debt of grati- 
tude. God give us a second generation American 
through and through and teach us to set them an 
example of earnest nationalism. 

MR. DRAKE 

What an evening! First, that fellow Caro, a 
near-American foreigner, interfering in our in- 
dustrial and social affairs, and now this other 
American foreigner controlling our public opin- 
ion and interfering in policies vital to the coun- 
try. 

CAPTAIN HAW^K 

Mr. Goldstein is too broadminded for us. 
Thank God, they're not all like him. {Excit- 
edly) I'm for every true American, whatever 



128 STULTITIA 

his race or creed {striking his hand on the hilt 
of his sword) but I'm against people who are 
American this or American that, — though I'm 
willing to fight and die for any kind of Americans. 
The country first. That's the test. 

THE PRESIDENT 
I'll sit down with you a few minutes. Then 
you must all go home. 

MISS MIDDLETON 

{Goes up to The President and puts her hand 
in his) I want to tell you something, Mr. Presi- 
dent. I'm going to marry Mr. Drake. (Drake 
looks rapturous and surprised and seizes her free 
hand and kisses it) I haven't told him yet, but 
I found out this evening that he loves his country 
more than he loves me. That's why. 

THE PRESIDENT 

My wife will be happy. You're great favor- 
ites of hers, you know. {He pats them on the 
shoulders) I wish you all happiness, dear chil- 
dren. 

All congratulate them. 



THIRD DISCUSSION 129 

THE PRESIDENT 

Don't I get a kiss as master of the house? 
( They laugh as he steps forward) 

The President kisses her on the forehead. 
An old-fashioned clock meanwhile chimes the 
hour of one, 

THE PRESIDENT 

Now, young people, it's one o'clock. Good 
gracious. You must go home, young ladies. 
{Meanwhile the lights have gradually gone out 
in the room beyond and are growing dim in the 
hall. All are standing and The President 
starts toward the stair) 

THE PRESIDENT 
( Taking a paper from his pocket) Oh, by the 
way, Drake, here's a carbon of a telegram tonight 
from that embassy of ours. What do you make 
of it? 

The lights are growing dim as he reads it and 
a thin white film drops before the stage, in- 
creasing the effect of dimness and making the 
group appear to recede. 



130 STULTITIA 

MR. DRAKE 

{In a low voice) They're in earnest about 
Colonia. None but the best diplomacy can stop 
them — If it's not too late already. 

THE PRESIDENT 

Petty politics. The rule of little Americans, 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

God bless our big America. 

Other filmy curtains fall, gradually increasing 
the dimness. The orchestra begins to play 
the ^^ Star Spangled Banner ^* faintly, 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
{Continues) What fools we are getting to be. 
Lord have mercy upon us. ( Very faintly ) Poor 
navy fellows. Worse than us. Sunk like rats. 
Three to one. No chance. Damn that fellow 
Shuffler. Everything for re-election. Country 
can go to hell. 

Meanwhile the orchestra has become loud and 
the curtain has become a solid white sheet. 
Upon it appears first a body of troops march- 
ing by. The orchestra plays a march. Then 



THIRD DISCUSSION 131 

appears a battleship, steaming by, while a 
navy tune is played. Then is seen the en- 
trance to the Panama Canal. The orchestra 
is softly playing the '' Star Spangled Ban- 
ner,^' one section of it introducing alternately 
the national anthems of Great Britain, Japan, 
Germany and France. Certain concealed in- 
struments punctuate this medley with the 
crash and whistle of shells and the rattle of 
musketry. These sounds gradually give 
place to the wailing of women as the music 
grows fainter. A party of troops is seen to 
rush a redoubt where the American flag 
flies, to lower the flag and to raise another 
flag. The lights in the theatre, which have 
gradually grown dimmer, go out for fifteen 
seconds. Then the mist on the stage clears 
away and reveals the actors standing exactly 
as before. 



Curtain 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 

Scene I 

Three years and a half have elapsed. It is nine 
o'clock of an evening in Novernher, The scene 
is the office of The Chief of Staff, in all re- 
spects the same as in the first act. General 
MiDDLETON, The Chief of Staff, in civilian 
clothes, sits at his desk with piles of papers 
before him. The room is brightly lighted, as 
is the rooiu beyond, from which is heard the 
rattle of many typewriters. Clerks pass to and 
fro with papers. A young officer in civilian 
clothes sits in a chair at the right of the desk 
of The Chief of Staff, half facing hifn. 
General Middleton has aged noticeably, his 
hair having turned grey. His face wears a 
haggard, careworn look, and a sad expression. 
Captain Hawk in evening dress sits in an 
easy-chair at the left of General Middle- 
ton's desk, lounging with a thoughtful air and 
smoking a cigarette, 

135 



136 STULTITIA 

THE GENERAL 

( To Hawk) How do you like it out in Chi- 
cago? 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Oh, pretty well in some ways. There's some- 
thing about those western people: they're whole- 
souled and real. When we get those people 
really to attend to public questions and watch what 
goes on at their State capitals and w^hat goes on 
here in Washington, we're going to get a square 
deal for sane government policies. So far the 
press and the politicians have been too much in 
the way. 

The officer at Hawk's old desk getting up and 
walking toward Hawk with a gesture, says 
to him: '' JVon^t you come over and sit at 
your old desk? You* II feel more at home J* 
Hawk is in a brown study for a moment. 
He then gets up and with a smile of appre- 
ciation replies: '' Thanks very much.** He 
goes over, exchanging seats with the officer, 

captain hawk 
The Drakes and ourselves were dining tonight 
at Mrs. Barney's. Everyone gay as a lark. Ca- 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 137 

bello and Verda were going to sing, five thousand 
per, followed by some new-fangled dancers at the 
same figure. Just like the ball before Waterloo. 
Confusion at home and war clouds on the horizon, 
— and (bitterly) not an idea above dancing, 
pretty dresses and a good time. I couldn't stand 
it. Drake will be along soon. 

THE GENERAL 

Drake's doing great work with his editorials 
since he left the State Department. I find he's 
making some of the people at the Capitol sit up. 

CAPTAIN HAV^K 
We came on from Chicago together. It was 
like old Drake to come out to help celebrate Dan 
Riley's election to succeed me in the House. A 
fine type of American, is Dan Riley. Did Drake 
tell you they're suggesting me for the Senate ? I 
don't seem to see my way clear, though. 

The old colored Messenger comes in and an- 
nounces Mr. Drake. 

the general 
Bring him right in. 

Drake enters and shakes hands with The 
General. 



138 STULTITIA 

THE GENERAL 

How's my little daughter? 

Oh, fine. She and Mrs. Hawk are such poli- 
ticians that they were leaving early to get away 
from the silly talk. Of course, they were telling 
the hostess that they had to get back to the chil- 
dren. 

THE GENERAL 

( To Hawk) How does your wife like Wash- 
ington this time ? 

captain hawk 
She still takes it rather hard. The machinery 
of Government looks better when you're not near 
enough to hear it squeak. She never got over her 
initiation — the night Drake caught old Goldstein 
with the goods and I caught Caro. It depresses 
her. She came here an optimist, but now — 

MR. DRAKE 

General, things are not very serious yet, are 
they? The western papers didn't say much. 

captain hawk 
But what are you all lit up here for? That 
means something, always. The whole side of 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 139 

the War Department's lit up, every window. Do 
you remember the night I was finishing up your 
arguments for the national defense bills? 

THE GENERAL 
{Sadly) I do, indeed. {After a pause) 
Hawk, do you think you did right to leave the 
House of Representatives? 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Yes, I could see no hope — now. Later it may 
be different. I have been talking it over with 
Drake and I've decided to put my entire fortune 
into a campaign of education. Drake's going to 
work with me. We can see no hope except in 
attacking the national diseases at the root — in 
telling the truth to the people and arousing public 
opinion. I have a plan in mind — sort of a pa- 
triotic league. 

THE CLERK 
{Comes from the room beyond and approaches 
The General. He speaks to him in a low 
voice) Telephone from the White House that 
the President has sent out an urgent call for a cab- 
inet meeting tonight. 



140 STULTITIA 

THE GENERAL 

{Makes a low whistle) Anything from the 
State Department tonight? 

THE CLERK 

No, sir, but they're now deciphering a long tele- 
gram. 

THE GENERAL 

{After a brief silence, looking very gravely at 
Hawk and Drake) My dear boys, the situa- 
tion is of the very utmost seriousness. 

Hawk and Drake start, 

MR. DRAKE 

Why, General, you don't mean to say — 

Just then the colored Messenger comes in and 
announces Senator Dormant, Senator 
Rock, Representative Shuffler and 
Senator Hyhead. The General rises 
and shakes hands with them gravely. The 
two young officers offer their chairs and draw 
up others. The Senators seat themselves 
about the desk of The Chief of Staff. 
Drake goes over and sits on the edge of the 
desk at which Hawk is seated. 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 141 

SENATOR DORMANT 

Well, well, General. You look tired. All 
the windows lit in this building's making folks 
talk. There's nothing In it. Is there — except that 
little trouble down in Colonia ? 

SENATOR ROCK 

{Pompously) This man Drake here with his 
editorials is largely responsible for all this ex- 
citement. Why, this very day I got letters from 
a dozen constituents actually asking if we were 
prepared for war I 

SENATOR DORMANT 

Prepared! Well, I guess nobody's going to 
monkey with Uncle Sam. Conolia I Who cares 
for Conolia? 

MR. DRAKE 

Colonla's the name of the place. Senator. 

SENATOR ROCK 

Mr. Drake, I thought you were now a party 
man. Why don't you write some reassuring edi- 
torials and support your party? {To Senator 
Dormant) Why, there was an awful slump on 



142 STULTITIA 

the stock exchange today. These howlers'll bring 
on a business crash, the first thing we know. 
He looks at Drake. 

MR. DRAKE 
Why don't I support my party? {Very quietly 
and slowly) Because I'd rather support my 
country. This administration had no mandate 
from the people to modify our diplomatic poli- 
cies, nor to keep us a helpless babe on land and 
sea. Your new style party's a makeshift of mi- 
nority groups — compromise of contending preju- 
dices — jealous know-it-all doctrinaires. That's 
no party. Do you remember the " Burgois Gen- 
tilhomme " — the story of the man who suddenly 
got rich and started in to buy an education — and 
how he was told what poetry was and what prose 
was, and was so tickled foolish to find he'd been 
talking prose all his life without knowing it? 
Well, there's your get-power-quick politician — 
the American " Burgois Gentilhomme." Not the 
hard-shell cynic of the old school; oh, no, he'll 
soon be gone forever, I hope. But it's this new 
transition brand — part high-brow, part hypo- 
crite, part demagogue — discoverer of justice, 
patentee of honesty — sing high, sing low — and a 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 143 

wink at the gallery. And the gallery laps It 
up like a kitten! Of course our former foreign 
policies were wrong. Did not they date before 
the new dispensation? It would be too horrible 
to admit that they could be just or honest. You 
might think we'd been criminals because we 
worked for American Interest. We lacked the 
higher altruism. This Is beyond me ! Who will 
look after American Interests if not the American 
Government? And what else Is a Government 
for? And see what our deliverers have let us In 
for. We're on a rotten bridge of opportunism 
between the rotten old and a new era of real men. 
I suppose It was decreed that America's stirring 
conscience should first be ridden thus. It can't 
last long. Oh, the attitudinizing of these people 
makes me sick. We must all be villains to make 
a background for the great act of some profes- 
sional Honest Man. Plain men wear their hon- 
esty as they wear their skins — unconsciously. It 
remains for this modern type of genius to capi- 
talize It — and strut, an Honest Man, — if he has 
to blacken everybody else to keep his monopoly I 

SENATOR ROCK 

The stock market — 



144 STULTITIA 

MR. DRAKE 
To hell with the stock market ! 

SENATOR HYHEAD 
But, General, you are prepared, I suppose, if 
anything serious should happen? 

SENATOR ROCK 

When you place the order for those new field 
guns we appropriated for at the last session, I 
want you to give a good share to that company 
out in my state. You remember, I spoke to you 
about it. 

THE GENERAL 

{Nods to Senator Rock. To Senator Hy- 
HEAD, Speaking very quietly and distinctly) No, 
Senator, neither the army nor the navy is in the 
least prepared for war. 

MR. SHUFFLER 

What! That's a pretty situation. Well, how 
long will it take you to get ready, then? {A 
pause) But, look here, man to man, this war 
business is all nonsense. You fellows always start 
something to try to put over your appropriations. 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 145 

{He laughs knowingly) Why, I remember three 
or four years ago — {turning to the Senators) 
This talk unsettles the country. Why, if the peo- 
ple get the notion that we had to eat dirt on the 
Monroe Doctrine the party'd go out and stay out 
for a hundred years. The President ought to is- 
sue a reassuring statement. 

A pause, 

THE GENERAL 
{With his eyebrows raised and very drily) Mr. 
Shuffler, I believe you asked me how long it would 
take this Government to be prepared for war. I 
mean real war. 

MR. SHUFFLER 

Yes, how long would it? 

A pause 

THE GENERAL 

{Thoughtfully) If all the measures of na- 
tional defense had been passed by Congress as 
recommended by the last administration just three 
and one-half years ago — let's see, we allowed in 
the bills for rush work — yes, we should be ready 
today. 



146 STULTITIA 

MR. SHUFFLER 

But, General, what we want to know is, how 
long w^lll it take now? 

THE GENERAL 
{After a "pause and glancing up at the ceiling) 
Precisely three and one-half years. You see we 
should have had the battleships and our merchant 
marine for transports and naval reserve. We 
should have had a well-trained militia and then — 
{to Drake) Mr. Drake, the conventions for the 
railroad to Panama and the loan to clean up Co- 
lonia needed nothing but ratification by the Sen- 
ate, did they? 

MR. drake 
Oh, no, that's all. 

SENATOR HYHEAD 

But, General, this is most extraordinary. My 
constituents — 

SENATOR DORMANT 
Now the peace movement — 

The Senators exchange words in a low tone 
and Senator Rock leans over to say some- 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 147 

thing privately to SENATOR DORMANT. The 
door opens and a man about forty, in an over- 
coat with his hat in his hand, rushes in, evi- 
dently under great excitement. He pauses 
a mofnent and glances about, taken aback at 
seeing so many people in the room, 

THE GENERAL 

{Rising) Good evening. {They shake 
hands) Senators, this gentleman occupies the 
post our friend Drake used to have in the State 
Department, head of the Political Bureau. Mr. 
Harrison. 

MR. HARRISON 

{He bows very hurriedly to the Senators with- 
out shaking hands, and says to The General) 
Would you mind coming over here a moment? 
He leads him to one side and hands him a large 
sheet of paper. The General reads it, his 
hand trembling slightly, 

MR. HARRISON 

The President has it already. I thought you 
ought to know. I'm just on my way to the White 
House. 

He hurries out. 



148 STULTITIA 

SENATOR DORMANT 

Who's this man Harrison? 

MR. DRAKE 

Oh, he's a nice fellow, — a particular friend of 
your great statesman. He used to be a doctor. 
You see when a man's all things to all men him- 
self, he naturally thinks all men are adapted to 
all things. So he calls in a doctor for his diplo- 
macy. To even up, I trust he calls in a diploma- 
tist when he's sick. All the old gang of profes- 
sionals who used to work like niggers day and 
night when we had foreign policies have been 
fired. He's put in a lot of political friends. He 
couldn't have a decent policy because the wise 
ones were taboo, you see, because we'd evolved 
them. If I was a little meaner I'd think they 
wanted to get the country into trouble to muddy 
the water for political advantage. I couldn't 
think that; but I wish to hell the politicians who 
drifted us into this war could be the ones killed 
in it. There'd be some sense and justice in that, 
anyhow. 

The telephone on the desk where Hawk is 
seated rings violently, A young officer goes 
and answers. 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 149 

YOUNG OFFICER 

The White House, General. It's for you. 

THE GENERAL 
{Reaches for the telephone on his desk) 
Hello — Oh, good evening, Mr. President. 
(The General instinctively hows as he speaks 
through the telephone. Everyone in the room is 
silent and intently watching General Middle- 
ton) Tomorrow morning? — Then it will be 
out in the afternoon papers? — Yes, to Tampa, 
Guantanamo — Yes, a divisional commander. 
General Murray is the man — Yes, I'll see the 
Secretary of the Navy tonight — Very well, Mr. 
President, I'll come over there in an hour. Good- 
bye, Sir. 

The three Senators and Representative 
Shuffler look taken aback and lean for- 
ward eagerly, 

senator dormant 
Well? Well? What's this? 

senator rock 
Why, you don't mean there's trouble really com- 
ing? 



150 STULTITIA 

MR. SHUFFLER 

Now, the feeling in the West — 

Drake and Hawk have been watching the 
Senators with a rather cynical expression. 
General Middleton rises and walks quietly 
over to where Drake and Hawk are sit- 
ting. He looks older and more broken and 
his gait is heavy. He draws the paper from 
his pocket and shows it to Drake, who takes 
it. They read. 

SENATOR ROCK 
What's up? 

SENATOR DORMANT 
General, if there's anything going on, we insist 
upon knowing it. The dignity of the Senate — 

THE GENERAL 

{Who is standing near Drake and Hawk) 
Gentlemen, Mr. Drake is my son-in-law, Captain 
Hawk was for years my military secretary. This 
is a matter of personal privilege. In regard to 
diplomatic affairs I must refer you to the Presi- 
dent or to the Department of State. It is the 
wish of the President that this matter remain con- 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 151 

fidential until the President's message is read in 
both houses of Congress tomorrow at noon. 
Now, if you'll excuse me I'll have to issue some 
orders. 

The Senators rise, looking rather dazed, 

SENATOR ROCK 

Well, this is a pretty situation. 

SENATOR DORMANT 

( Turning to The General) Now, what's the 
sense of your getting us into trouble over Colonia ? 
Why all those little South American republics 
don't amount to shucks. Let 'em fight it out. 
We've got the Monroe Doctrine. If you've got 
some question with Europe, why there's arbitra- 
tion. Now Doctor Harmony was telling me 
about this peace movement. Somebody must have 
blundered. The idea of our getting into trouble 
over Colonia. I doubt very much whether Con- 
gress can support you on this question. 

the general 
{Draws himself up to his full height, standing 
behind his desk) Senator Dormant, there is no 
question. The Monroe Doctrine is squarely chal- 



152 STULTITIA 

lenged. Whatever you may think of Colonia, the 
honor of America Is involved. There Is no ques- 
tion of arbitration. This Is a case for shot and 
shell and not Doctor Harmony. 

SENATOR DORMANT 
I don't believe It. It's one of those little South 
American rumpusses. Why if Europe, — that's 
another question. (Raising his stick and bang- 
ing it down) I've always believed in enforcing 
the Monroe Doctrine up to the hilt ! 

SENATOR ROCK 
Oh, come on, Senator, there's an election com- 
ing. War talk's popular, you know. 
They go out, 

Drake and Hawk walk rapidly up to The 
General as he seats himself behind his desk, 

MR. DRAKE 
This is horrible. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
Are we in the way? Have you any orders to 
issue? 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 153 

THE GENERAL 
No, I'd like your company. What little I can 
do Is all prepared. I've only a few telegrams to 
send. I saw this coming. {Almost sobbing) 
Merciful God, there Is Httle enough I can do. 
{He clears his throat loudly) Captain Jeffries, 
give me those telegrams. 

Captain Jeffries goes to a safe against the 
wally undoes the combination and brings 
about twenty-jive telegrams all written out. 
He lays them in front of The General and 
blots them as The General signs. Mean- 
while Hawk has lit a cigarette and begins 
pacing nervously up and down the roo^n, his 
hands deep in his pockets and his shoulders 
elevated, Drake still sits at the desk. He 
also lights a cigarette and his eye follows 
Hawk up and down. The Young Officer 
rings a bell, whereat the Clerk appears. 
He hands the telegrams to the Clerk. 

YOUNG OFFICER 

Send these. Give those to Tampa and San 
Antonio right of way. Only about half of them 



154 STULTITIA 

are enciphered. No, let the enciphered ones go 
on the wire first. 

The Clerk hurries out, 

THE GENERAL 

{Wagging his head and spreading his arms 
with a gesture^ That's all I can do. 

MR. DRAKE 
Dear old father-in-law, it's not your fault, you 
must brace up and keep well. You're needed. 
{After a pause and in a voice of sarcastic bitter- 
ness with an affectation of levity) How very in- 
teresting it is to remember that not four years 
ago I carefully explained to that Senate Commit- 
tee that we had the biggest sphere of influence 
on earth through the Monroe Doctrine ; that Co- 
lonia was a vital point; that with the convention 
we could put It out of danger. Then if we'd bit 
off more than we could chew we could chuck the 
Monroe Doctrine south of the Isthmus. 

THE GENERAL 
(Sternly) It humiliates me as an American 
that this country should talk big about the open 
door in China and the Monroe Doctrine and de- 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 155 

llberately Invite humiliation by not being prepared 
for war. No self-respecting country should have 
pretensions It cannot back up. No one but a fool 
would beheve that our foxy friends In Europe, 
who all hate us, took any stock In this peace talk 
or could keep their envious eyes off the whole 
American continent. 

MR. DRAKE 
{In the same tone as before) Possibly the 
most Interesting point of all Is that at that time 
I carefully explained, under Instructions from the 
President, that It was highly probable that within 
four years the much-advertised European duel 
would come off. It was perfectly plain that the 
victor would command the seas of the earth and 
would think Central America should be rescued 
from Its condition of unexplolted turmoil and ar- 
rested development. It was explained with equal 
clearness that the alternative of this was an al- 
liance of the two Powers, ostensibly In the Inter- 
ests of peace, but really to show that the earth 
belongs to the lions and eagles and not to the tur- 
keys. It was for Congress to choose whether the 
American emblem should be an eagle or a turkey. 



156 STULTITIA 

THE GENERAL 

A pretty easy prophecy, John, but nobody 
would believe it. Well, Hawk, I'll begin giving 
out commissions tomorrow. Even young Barney 
will stand a show now. I suppose you're going 
back? I'll put you in the 13th cavalry. {Laugh- 
ing sarcastically) It's a long ride to the Panama 
Canal. 

Hawk faces about flushed. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 

When I was a little boy, I was sure that Amer- 
ica was everything that was fine and noble. I 
was brought up on the idea that we were a nation 
of sturdy idealists, high-minded, but practical; free 
from cant; a happy family living together for 
the greatest good of the greatest number. We 
were a nation with a soul. We worked for those 
ideals. My great-great-grandfather died in the 
Revolution, fighting for those ideals. {With a 
nervous laugh) You remember. General, that's 
his sword over there. {Pointing to the crossed 
swords on the wall) We faced the world's great- 
est empire, and triumphed for our free represen- 
tative democracy. My father carried that other 
sword at Shiloh when he lost his arm, again fight- 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 157 

ing for our ideal of a united happy nation under 
free Institutions. Where is the patriotism of the 
fathers, calm and self-contained? No blatant 
scream of the eagle. " Aim low, wait till you see 
the whites of their eyes." Patriotism ! Look at 
the press. Look at the politician riding his hobby 
intent on his own fame. They don't even give 
their own Government the benefit of the doubt. 
Partisanship eclipses patriotism. They argue the 
foreigner's case. ( Turning to Drake and ges- 
ticulating in a pleading manner) Why, I grew 
up with the idea that American civilization, Amer- 
ican free representative government, and the noble 
soul of America would be a magnet of irresistible 
force. When Rome was great, to become part 
of the Roman Empire was an honor sought by 
neighboring states. So, I thought, one day the 
struggling republics at our door, schooled by our 
influence to better citizenship, would be made 
worthy and would come begging for admission 
to our glorious Union. (Hawk is evidently lost 
in abstraction and moves about the room ges- 
ticulating, self-absorbed and looking straight be- 
fore him. He laughs bitterly) And what do I 
find? A mob divided by a thousand selfish in- 
terests. A nation of ninety millions? Bah I 



158 STULTITIA 

And the literacy test is gravely discussed, as if 
reading gave a man a soul! Do we send our 
agents abroad to look at the character of immi- 
grants; to make fitness, as shown by honest toil, 
the test? Do we take advantage of the laws of 
nature that the best men to join our nation are 
those now getting the best wages? Oh, no. Be 
degenerates, be defectives. Only read. Educa- 
tion in a wicked mind; firearms in wicked hands; 
money in the pockets of the foolish, the frivolous, 
the selfish. These are our many dangers. The 
jealousy of the churches banishes religion from 
our schools. We need no God. Do we need no 
ethics? The Chinese have at least Confucius. 
We educate the mind. We pretend to believe in 
the soul, but what do we do for it? We have 
pure food laws for the body. Our press is free 
to poison the soul day after day. Yet we pretend 
to believe in the soul, — canting nonsense. The 
farmer selects the seed for his wheat. We raise 
wonderful hogs. We gain millions in money. 
Three or four little citizens are born to our great 
European rivals for one American of the old 
American stock. Our birth rate is falling. We 
blame it on the women. Do they prefer feathers 
and silks to the motherhood of good citizens? 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 159 

Money ! Money ! Money to squander the health 
of those who should be the fathers of a noble 
race. We spurn happiness and choose the pleas- 
ure of a day. What do we do for the soul? Is 
money our God? Money Is International. 
Money knows no country. Like master, like man. 
If money's his God the citizen, too, becomes hard, 
and the duties of citizenship become the mere har- 
lots of self-interest. We abolish the canteen. 
We're prohibitionists. We'll become righteous 
by legislation. We'll found societies for right- 
eousness. Senator Hyhead will cure the neglect 
of the barest functions of loyal citizenship by 
doubling the duties with his precious referendums 
and Isms. All this talk Is so much easier than a 
little self-control and Individual effort and sincer- 
ity. Our strongest citizens cry to the national 
conscience till It wakes and will heed them. Then 
they poison us with the lessons of casuistry and de- 
base our Ideals of truth, make us cynics. What 
a spectacle. The reformers howl. We examine 
them and find them. In the name of the people's 
rule, only urging their favorite upon us. Co- 
operation, the magic of business efficiency. Do 
we find it In our Government? Oh, no. In pub- 
lic affairs you find no patriotic trust. Here's the 



i6o STULTITIA 

beauty of competition. Do you find the bravest 
and the most Intelligent and most just working 
together forgetting themselves in a solemn effort 
to make good laws? No {very sarcastically) It 
Is not what shall we do, it Is only who shall do it. 
We're to live or die by the election of Congress- 
man Smith, or Senator Jones, or President Brown. 
It is personalities not principles. It is not what 
Is good for the people, It's the party's Interest. 
If the key to Heaven were discovered by one party 
the opposition would throw it in the sea as the 
key to hell. I know. I've been in Congress. I 
was a sore-head. I ventured to criticize, to aspire 
to better things. {With a hitter laugh) To 
criticize Is considered unpatriotic, though patri- 
otic criticism Is the key to national progress. If 
I'd criticized as a partisan, I should have been 
lauded as a good party man. I criticized as a 
patriot, and was jeered as a dreamer. They 
dared to call me unpatriotic. The correct thing 
Is to say, " All's well " ; to say " We can lick crea- 
tion," — to say it again till we believe it and to go 
blindly on. Reading? Study? No, we're too 
busy In the chase for money. We've no time. 
We must be quick with our half-baked Ideas to 
outstrip the opposition; to get the credit. We 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 161 

can't stop to be thorough. A sudden sensation; 
a popular cry; a makeshift; a compromise. We're 
too clever to study the past. History is reaction- 
ary. Intuition, luck, the mercy of God. And the 
cries like hounds on a trail. Once they're off 
what does it matter? The big trusts and all the 
little grocery men with their combinations and 
cartels sucking the blood of their neighbors; 
cheering the fight on their cleverer brothers, hop- 
ing to hide themselves. And peace fiends and 
faddists. {He laughs an unnatural laugh) And 
we're supposed to have a sense of humor. Look 
at them. Each with his own idea. Humor? 
Horse play! Not even sense of the ridiculous. 
Hum.or is sense of proportion. {Putting his 
hands to his head) My God, this is too ridicu- 
lous ! And think of Stone and the labor organiza- 
tions being taught class hatred; taught that we're 
aristocrats. Look at Senator Rock, a poor boy, 
a laborer, grows rich and grinds down his fellow 
laborers. They point to him as the aristocrat. 
I'm a plain American. I like gentlemen whether 
they can read or not. I've no thought for our 
country that I would not share with any honest 
American day laborer and be sure of his sym- 
pathy. I believe in fair play and the equality of 



i62 STULTITIA 

honorable truthful people who are not hogs or 
tricksters. And they try to put me in an aris- 
tocracy of money as if I couldn't have money and 
have an Idea above money. {IV ringing his 
hands) Oh, where's the America I beheved In? 
Where are we drifting? And now a national 
humlHation, a sure defeat in war. Think of the 
fine soldiers and sailors, good Americans all, that 
are going to die for nothing but sure defeat. Oh, 
the bhndness ! Oh, how horrible ! 

He wrings his hands and has an almost hys- 
terical manner. 

The General and Drake, who have been lis- 
tening with intense and disturbed attention, 
both get up and put their arms on his shoul- 
ders, The General in a fatherly manner, 

MR. DRAKE 

{Taking his hand) Look here, old man, you 
can't run on like this. 

THE GENERAL 

You'll feel better, my boy, when you get In a 
uniform and start for the front. 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 163 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
{Pulling himself together and clearing his 
throat, in a dreamy manner) Oh, to the front. 

THE GENERAL 
Yes, I'll get you appointed tomorrow a Cap- 
tain in the 13th Cavalry. As a former officer, 
you'll be promoted right away. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
{Abstractedly) To the front. 

He laughs nervously, throws himself in a chair, 
fumbles for his cigarette case and lights a 
cigarette, Drake and The General 
stand side by side at his right. Hawk piifs 
the cigarette awhile in silence. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
I've seen how things are done. I've been two 
years in Congress. In a generation — let me see 
— I can put in about forty million dollars. My 
wife and I like to live simply. That will leave 
us enough. With a string of newspapers and 
some magazines and an organization extending 
into every State, town and ward and getting some 



i64 STULTITIA 

other fools like us to join, we can get the nation's 
interests understood and lay the foundation for 
making this a real nation and a happy family. 
Then there'll be something worth while. 

MR. DRAKE 
(Assuming an air of optimism) Oh, cheer up, 
old man, I'll be with you in the work; but you're 
in a horrible state of mind. 

THE GENERAL 

What about that commission in the 13th Cav- 
alry? 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
{Wearily) To fight for what? {Speaking 
rapidly) I'm perfectly willing to go down there 
and get shot. We're accustomed to it in my fam- 
ily. But theirs represented something. They 
fought for a logical reason, for a holy cause. 
{More vehemently and rising and resuming walk- 
ing up and down) What do you want me to fight 
for? Am I fighting for the pride of the most dis- 
graceful criminal statistics a nation ever had ? Am 
I fighting for the half-baked immigrants who can 
read and nothing else, for the Caros and Gold- 
steins? Is it for the international bankers, or the 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 165 

big trusts or the little trusts ? Am I fighting for 
the people at Mrs. Barney's dinner, who draw 
nothing but their incomes from the sacred soli of 
our country? Am I fighting for Senator Hyhead, 
who snaps his fingers at the constitutional repre- 
sentative government of our forefathers? What 
on earth am I fighting for? For the selfishness of 
Senator Rock's capitalists or Mr. Stone's labor 
organizations? Am I fighting for national Inco- 
herency, for a mob drunk with wealth, absorbed in 
money grubbing; for a lot of faddists who think 
In segments when great national questions are at 
issue? Am I fighting for somebody's re-election? 
My God, I'd like to know what I am fighting for ! 
Toward the end of this outburst, Drake has 

gone over and sat down at the end of The 

General's desk facing Hawk. 

MR. drake 
{Very quietly) Old man, the new generation 
has got to atone for the sins of the old. America 
is passing through a crisis. 

Meanwhile The General walks over beyond 
his desk halfway between it and the wall 
where the crossed swords hang under the por- 
traits of Washington and Lincoln. 



i66 STULTITIA 

THE GENERAL 
( Taking out his watch) Hawk, I've got to go 
over to the cabinet meeting now. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
{Still looking down and self-absorbed) All 
right, we'll go home. Come on, Drake. 

The General walks over and takes down the 
newer of the two crossed swords and clears 
his throat. He then goes over to Hawk, 
examining the sword, 

THE general 
{In a perfectly matter-of-fact voice) The de- 
sign of sabres has not changed much since the Civil 
War. You'd better take this one. {Musingly) 
Your father was a great cavalry-man. Well, 
good-night. {Holding out the sword) Come 
down at ten in the morning and I'll give you your 
commission in the 13th Cavalry. 

CAPTAIN HAWK 
{Taking the sword, in a natural voice) Very 
well, sir. Good night. 

Drake shakes The General's hand and looks 
into his eyes for a moment. Then he throws 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 167 

one arm around Hawk's shoulders and the 
other around The General's, and they 
stand in a group with their heads together, 
their shoulders shaken with sobs. 

Curtain 



Scene II 

The curtain has been lowered to indicate the pas- 
sage of six months. The scene is in the office 
of The Chief of Staff precisely the same as 
in the previous scene except that it is a summer 
evening; there is no noise of typewriters, the 
door into the outer office being closed; and 
through the windows are seen the trees of the 
White Lot and the Washington monument 
bathed in the amber light of the setting sun. 
Senator Dormant, Senator Rock, Senator 
Hyhead and Representative Shuffler are 
seated in conference with General Middle- 
ton, who looks shockingly aged and worn. 
His visitors all show the aging effects of care 
and strain and sorrow. 



i68 STULTITIA 

SENATOR ROCK 

(In a distressed voiced What a horrible 
thing the blowing up of that battleship in the steel 
strike was. 

SENATOR DORMANT 

Just as it was nearly completed too. That sets 
us back some more. 

SENATOR HYHEAD 
Well, Senator, this comes of you capitalists 
holding out against the great popular movement. 

SENATOR DORMANT 
I'm tired of hearing about your great popular 
movement. What did your party ever do? Rain- 
bow promises; the latest novelties in government. 
You made a lot of theorists and socialists, that's 
about all. What we want is a party that will 
make patriotic citizens, not old fools like we've 
been. 

MR. SHUFFLER 

The Senator's right. I detect in the West a 
great reaction in favor of the old representative 
institutions. Politics will never be the same 
again. 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 169 

SENATOR ROCK 

I was the worst of all. My eyes are opened 
now. {With a hitter laugh) I remember so well 
one night at the White House three or four years 
ago the President was telling me, — heigh-ho, 
that's spilt milk. We ought to have worked for 
industrial peace. I know Stone the labor leader 
feels the same. We used to hate each other like 
poison, but now we're going to talk things over 
and try to get together. There've been too many 
Caros; and capital hating labor and labor hating 
capital. That's been the trouble. There're al- 
ready about a hundred thousand laboring men 
and their families being fed at soup kitchens main- 
tained by wicked trust magnates. This calamity 
brings agony enough to citizens of every station. 
May it bring the love that comes to comrades in 
affliction! Now human relations between em- 
ployer and employed and a good immigration 
law — 

MR. SHUFFLER 
Humph ! None of us will have any more law 
making to do. 



lyo 



STULTITIA 



SENATOR DORMANT 
No, I reckon this peace treaty'll be about the 
last act of our official Hfe. {Taking out his 
watch) Drake ought to be here by now. 

THE GENERAL 
He'll be in any minute. He's getting his final 
instructions from the Secretary of State. He 
starts for New Orleans tonight. 

SENATOR DORMANT 
Funny how this war's changed people. Think 
of old Doctor Harmony trying to raise a regi- 
ment. He got enough of " peace as she is spoke." 

SENATOR ROCK 

And Mrs. Evangelina Tinker at the front with 
the Red Cross. Do you remember the talking 
to she gave you that morning, General? 

Drake enters briskly with a despatch box in his 
hand. He is evidently dressed for travel- 
ing. He shakes hands gravely with the Sen- 
ators and Representative, and greets The 
General, next to whom he takes a seat. 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 171 

MR. DRAKE 

Well, General, the talk is that the price of their 
not bombarding New York is to be the biggest 
war indemnity any country ever paid. Cheerful, 
isn't it, on top of their keeping the Canal and 
everything else we had lying around loose? It's 
a pleasant mission you've given me, gentlemen. 

SENATOR DORMANT 
{Sadly) I wish we'd listened to you, Drake! 
And I wish we'd sent you to that embassy. You 
understood the situation so well that you might 
have done something to save the country from 
all this. 

MR. DRAKE 

Oh, I don't know. Anyhow, now we've got to 
make the best of it, but you can't expect me to 
bring back a very pleasant treaty for you sen- 
ators to ratify. They've got us — absolutely got 
us. With their ships up the river they can even 
keep us out of New Orleans. It's rather rub- 
bing it in to Insist on negotiating on American soil, 
I must say. {To The General) General, the 
military situation will have a lot to do with these 
negotiations. You must keep right on enlisting 



172 STULTITIA 

and drilling volunteers. Even If we have been 
entirely driven off the sea, with a million men or 
so on our frontiers we can give Europe something 
to think about. {To the Senators) Then, 
when they know that you've appropriated for ten 
battleships and are going to keep right on build- 
ing, it may occur to them that it's wiser not to 
humiliate us too far with this treaty. My great 
fear is they'll try to exact a stipulation that we 
shall build no navy for a term of years. If they 
try that, the President ought to tell them to blow 
up New York and be damned first. If the Presi- 
dent will stand for our agreeing to have no navy, 
he'll have to get some one else to negotiate for 
him. 

SENATOR DORMANT 

{Banging the floor with his stick) If It takes 
every man and every dollar in this country, we've 
got to re-establish the Monroe Doctrine and en- 
force It up to the hilt. 

Drake smiles, 

SENATOR HYHEAD 

How are we going to get the money? How 
much taxation do you think the people will bear? 
Now If we had the referendum — 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 173 

MR. SHUFFLER 

The people out my way don't care any more 
about your referendums and all those new-fangled 
cure-alls. They want people who will represent 
them. They want men of courage who will take 
their ears off the ground long enough to do some 
thinking and acting. The people don't want to 
hire representatives and then have to do all the 
work themselves. That fad's exploded. 

SENATOR ROCK 

We'll have to raise the taxes to the skies. I 
hear Goldstein's European friends won't let him 
float an American loan. They threaten to flood 
the markets of the world with American securi- 
ties and make everything we have dirt cheap and 
a panic. 

THE GENERAL 

I'm no banker, gentlemen, but if I know the 
American people they'll stand for the highest 
taxes you can levy at a time like this. 

MR. DRAKE 

The latest about old Goldstein Is he decided 
to go back to Europe to make something out of 
the indemnity we shall have to pay. And now 



174 STULTITIA 

they tell him no, he's an American. An Inter- 
national hermaphrodite! I guess there's only the 
back to Jerusalem movement left for him. I'm 
almost sorry for the old vulture. The best of 
his own race are loudest in condemning him. 

THE GENERAL 

Speaking of the Jews, poor Hawk used to point 
to their wonderful racial power and persistence 
as the results of their ancient religious teachings. 
They were taught to care for the body — and to 
propagate and Inherit the earth. We find the 
same solidarity in the Mormons of Utah — and 
the idea of being a family. Those people are 
giving us splendid, hardy citizens — plain, clean 
men, who know that the plain virtues are never 
out of date. Hawk longed to see the whole 
American nation have that solidarity, that seri- 
ousness, and propagate, make the desert bloom, 
and inherit the earth. We've got to learn to. 
We'll need lots of good healthy men before we 
get through. 

SENATOR DORMANT 

That's so, and we've got to show the Interna- 
tional bankers that we can raise money without 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 175 

their help and show the international labor agita- 
tors that American workmen and capital can live 
in peace and build battleships and build them fast 
if we have to deport that whole bunch, — capital 
or labor, — that's too good to have a country. 

THE GENERAL 
Our reports show that all the Latin-Americans 
are getting tremendously friendly. They all love 
the Monroe Doctrine now. 

SENATOR DORMANT 

(Bitterly) Yes, all those little devils used to 
fool me about their liberties and their national 
honor and tell me that Drake's policy was too ag- 
gressive. Why, you ought to see the letters 
they're writing me now. They're as bad as my 
constituents. 

MR. SHUFFLER 

Yes, I guess we'll all live in Washington after 
this. It'll be pretty uncomfortable at home. 

THE GENERAL 

(Looking at his watch) Gentlemen, I'm expect- 
ing some ladies, but it will only be my daughter 



176 STULTITIA 

and poor Mrs. Hawk. {Heaving a sigh) The 
hardest part of my duties is to answer the ques- 
tions of the women who come to ask about their 
husbands and sons. 

SENATOR ROCK 

You would not know the Barneys now. Since 
Charley Barney was killed, poor Mrs. Barney's 
a different woman. 

THE GENERAL 

Young Barney died gallantly. He was a young 
fool, but there was good stuff in him way down 
underneath. {The old colored Messenger 
comes in and speaks to The General. The 
General looks at his watch again and says to the 
Senators in a low hurried voice) It is poor 
Mrs. Hawk coming to inquire whether Hawk's 
body has been found. 

Drake goes and opens the door. There stand 
on the threshold Mrs. Hawk, heavily veiled, 
and Mrs. Drake, also wearing black. They 
pause a moment, the Senators and Mr. 
Shuffler all stand up in respectful attitude. 
The ladies enter and sit at the right of the 
desk of The Chief of Staff. 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 177 

THE GENERAL 

{To Mrs. Hawk) You know all these gen- 
tlemen, my dear. They're all heartbroken like 
you. They've all been punished sorely, and theirs 
Is the bitterness of regret. You have lost your 
husband In a noble cause. Would you rather 
speak to me privately, or may they remain? 

MRS. HAWK 
{In a voice hardly audible) Oh, yes, I only 
want the news. Has any news come? 

THE GENERAL 
{Reaching for a paper) Yes, my dear, a de- 
spatch came this afternoon. {Putting on his 
glasses and scrutinizing the paper) The enemy 
had landed a body of Infantry with machine guns. 
Colonel Hawk's command, acting as infantry, was 
defending the knoll where the flag flew on the 
fortifications. They had repelled three charges 
of overwhelming numbers. The enemy's fleet 
bombarded the position with thirteen-lnch shells. 
The same shell demolished the flag-staff and killed 
your gallant husband. Nothing was found but 
his sword. (The General^s voice trembles with 
emotion, he wipes his eyeglasses briskly and clears 



178 STULTITIA 

his throat) I had them send that back for 
you. 

He goes to his desk and takes the sword and 
hands it to Mrs. Hawk. She bends over it 
in anguish, Mrs. Drake comes and puts 
her arm around her and tries to comfort her, 
Drake goes and stands near his wife, hold- 
ing her hand, 

MRS. DRAKE 
Remember, dear, we're going to carry on your 
husband's work. 

THE GENERAL 

The night before Hawk went to the war he let 
us see into his heart; he let us understand his con- 
ception of the American nation as a happy family 
working together for the greatest good and hap- 
piness of all. His criticism was severe because his 
ideal was so high. He loved his country with his 
whole heart and soul. His ideals of America 
were no distant vision. To him they were a rule 
of life, a yearning passion for realization. He 
believed in the America of his ideals. {Pause) 
Edith, do you want to take his sword with you? 



FOURTH DISCUSSION 179 

MRS. HAWK 
{Who has been patting the sword unconsciously y 
presses her lips to it and then holds it out to The 
General) No, General, I want it to hang there 
with the Revolutionary sword until my little boy 
is old enough to understand. 

THE GENERAL 
( Takes the sword and walks slowly over and 
hangs it up in its old place; and, lingering with his 
hand on the crossed swords, says) God grant 
they may never be unsheathed again. God grant 
that we may defend the peace of America by pre- 
paredness and not by bloodshed. 

Another pause. The General goes hack and 
stands with his hand on Mrs. Hawk's shoul- 
der. 

MRS. drake 

{To the Senators) Mrs. Hawk has given 
her entire fortune to carry on Harry's work. 

MR. DRAKE 

{To the Senators) Hawk and I had a com- 
pact to organize the National Patriotic League 
with a branch in every town, village, county and 



i8o STULTITIA 

ward to revive the old American spirit and awaken 
the people to trust in each other and to work to- 
gether, to be patriotic and to discharge the duties 
of our representative government. 

MRS. DRAKE 

{To the Senators) And you'll all help us, 
won't you? {Pleadingly) You'll all join this 
Patriotic League? Edith will never stop crying. 
Won't you help me comfort her ? Won't you join 
as Americans In keeping her husband's memory 
green and carrying out her husband's work? Go 
home now and begin doing your duty to your coun- 
try. Remember we're all one family. Do let us 
all join to make the family good and happy — 
that's the Important thing — not to be rich and 
big and miserable. 

Curtain 



' Date Due 


f ^1 
















































































































































Form 228- 


5-2O-'2O-500O 







